You see there are so many, and I want to make sure you hear only the best. I'm sure you don't want to hear about the micro-shorts and camisole I was wearing when the fire alarm went off in my building at 4 am and it was 30 DEGREES OUTSIDE...What's that? You do? Too bad..I'm saving that one for later ;)
This tale is a recent one, it's that time of year for this particular story, so here we go...
"The Tale of the Sarah Palin Halloween Costume"
Aside from needing to know about my love of robes and other articles of clothing, I LOVE HALLOWEEN. Always have. Always will. First things first. I am not a believer in the "slutty Halloween costume" I find there to be nothing particularly interesting in "slutty pirate" or "slutty Little Red Riding Hood". I'm not saying I'm looking down my nose at all the little slutty fairies running around probably freezing to death, but I'm just not that into that.
Ok, so what constitutes a really good Halloween costume? There's got to be some thought put into it, I'm not saying you can't be a little slutty, everyone likes to show some skin from time to time, but what I'm secretly against is going to Party City and picking out the first slutty thing you see. There's got to be more creativity! So, last year I was trying to decide what to be for Halloween. The previous years, I had some amazing costumes (the three blind mice that me and my roommates pulled of was pure genius, walking canes and all) and a year before that, I handmade my own Dorothy costume which blew any store-bought, online order Dorothy out of the water!
2008 was an election year. Sarah Palin was EVERYWHERE you turned...and I knew some people were probably going to jump on that bandwagon, but I decided that I needed to be the best Sarah Palin out there. (No, I'm not telling you who I voted for; my costume choice was not particularly tied to my political partisanship). So I went on the hunt for the perfect outfit, the perfect accoutrement to make Sarah Palin come to life this Hallow's Eve.
I didn't have to search for long. It was fate that I found 99% of my costume at home. I settled on a gorgeous black wool skirt with leather accents that I actually wear often, I picked that particular miracle of the cloth up at a delicious sale at Saks. The blazer I found was a gem out of my mother's old closet. Fire engine red, with black velvet trim, collar and buttons. The shoes were new, satin platform Mary Janes. It was priceless. Yes, I will add a picture, no worries.
So now I had to find accessories. I knew burnt orange lipstick was needed, so I tracked some down, next, I was able to use my lucky fake reading glasses (you'll hear about these later, trust me you want to) and I knew the hair was crucial. I have medium brown hair, but I was not about to go for frosted highlights, so go ahead and subtract 5 points from my costume, but I'm not sacrificing my hair color for FROSTED HIGHLIGHTS...nope not happening.
I decided a firearm would be necessary. So much stink had been made in the media about SP and her hunting and shooting habits, and I needed to take advantage of this. I braved the crowds at Party City, and hunted for a plastic rifle among the menagerie of "slutty Little Bo Peeps" and "Naughty Nurses". An older woman and her young daughter were shopping, the mother kindly smiled, turned to me and asked,
"What are you looking for Hun?"
"Oh...just a plastic rifle...seen any?"
"What are you going to be?"
So with a twinkle in my eye, I respond, "Sarah Palin!!" and expect her to laugh and appreciate my creative genius...Not so much. Instead, she clutched her daughter, looked extremely offended, and said to me in an exasperated tone,
"You should be ashamed of yourself"
... Ashamed?? Me?
There are teenage girls running around wearing dishcloths for what it's worth and you're telling ME to be ashamed? Needless to say, she put a damper on my day...I don't really even know what she meant? Does that mean she loves SP and thinks I'm defacing her image? Or is she so against this "pit bull with lipstick" that she believes it's just wrong to imitate? I was just doing this for fun....sorry for partying lady. (Poor daughter...it's gonna be a rough adolescence with her for a mom sweetie). In the end, I went with an American flag... so the scary mom got to me ok? I didn't want to get beat up at a bar later because someone couldn't take a joke...
So I went off to create my look. My two friends (french maid and flapper) were accompanying me to a fashion show to kick off the night. I showered, robed, and began the transformation. About an hour or so later, Sarah, I mean "I" was ready to go. My friends were cracking up...Did I mention I'm good at accents?
Long story short, I was the only SP I saw that night who
1. Didn't need to wear a wig, my coiffing skills were obviously superior to anyone else
2. Had a flawless accent
3. Was stopped multiple times in the street and in bars to pose for pictures.
4. Got a stack of cocktail napkins thrown in my face by an angry bartender who yelled "SP SUCKS!!"...I quickly reminded him he was wearing ASSLESS CHAPS ( I don't care how "unjiggly" it is), and his whole body was painted red ( crappy devil costume if you ask me) and demanded he give me a free beer...he promptly obliged, would ya look at that political presence I had?
So it was a night to remember, other SP's were carrying weird props (cabbage patch kids as "Baby Trig'' ?? really?? that's just weird), had bad wigs, bad fake SP glasses, and all too conservative outfits on if you ask me. To finish off the night with a bang, we stopped at Whataburger (because what else do you do at 3 am after a night of champagne and beer??) Upon exiting the vehicle, a drunken "slutty witch" rolled down the window and screamed ...
"I hate you Sarah Palin! You're a bit*$ and I'm not voting for you!!!!!"....ummm ok....easy girl, you almost lost your "slutty hat" and the "slutty mole" is slipping off your face....
I guess I looked too much like SP that night (once again, sorry for partying)....but who am I to say? You'll have to consult the black skirt, the cherry red blazer and my fake reading glasses, because they saw it all.
P.S. This post kind of makes me sound like a judgmental brat. I'm not. I just get really into Halloween, and being a Virgo, I'm just critical that's all. And for the record, the assless chapped bartender was REALLY rude. I deserved that beer. We laughed it off later, he secretly loved the SP getup.