Thursday, February 25, 2010

The White Powder Mystery....


I have my LAST MIDTERM OF LIFE in 3 hours. So I'm cramming....and blogging. This will be my last post till Sunday or so (don't cry, I'll be back in FULL hurricane force next week!) I will be working a tent at the HOUSTON LIVESTOCK SHOW AND RODEO, which is a pretty big deal here in H-town. While you're missing me, I'd like you to help me solve this mystery. We'll call it "The Mystery of the White Powder in the Ladies Room In Jules Bear's Office"....

So. The ladies' room in our building has three stalls. We share the restroom with one other floor. You with me? K good. SO, somehow, someway, always in the afternoon, I find a sprinkling of WHITE POWDER on the toilet seat of the very far right stall. Umm....?????. Is someone hitting the slopes at lunchtime for a quick drug induced pick-me-up? Is it baby powder? Is a baby using the toilet? Is someone sprinkling their lady parts with baby powder? Is it rat poison? WHAT IS IT?! Help. Please. I need to know if a Colombian drug cartel is going to invade my office, so I can be prepared with sling-blades, nun-chucks, and any other necessary items, including my invisibility cloak. Can I Get A Witness?!

Like this. but on the toilet seat. HELP!!!

Now. Since I don't have much time for stories. I will show you some pictures. It's my day for show and tell. 

This is what I drink my tea out of every morning. It's really really big, you can't really tell. But it keeps my tea hot. Oh what's that? It's got a pic of my boyfriend on it? Oh yeah, no big deal....I mean I know most people don't have pics of their boyfriend on their tea cups, but he's not a "normal boyfriend". Sometimes I am sipping my tea and I look over and people are giving me the side eye because they're probz jealous of my boyfriend tea cup. Aren't you?


Last night. I was studying for my midterm. I got a wee bit ADD....And remember that song I told you to listen to??? "Shark In The Water" by VV Brown? Well I'm obsessed. And I'm also OBSESSED with the new Robin Thicke album "Sex Therapy" jumphopskip over to  and listen to it for free NOW. ESPECIALLY the song "It's in the Mornin'" I have been listening to these two songs on repeat for 2 days now. GO. NOW. You'll thank me and want to kiss me on the face. 

Now I must return to crammage for this exam, then I'm off to be my little cowgirl self. (Wow, can you tell I'm cracked out....!?) So, yee-haw and I'll be back soon!



Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Double You Tea Eff Wednesday and a Greek Morsel

I've been bad at Double You Tea Eff Wednesday. Sooo, here ya go!

  • It "slushed" in Houston yesterday. Not snow. Not rain. Slush. And the only Slush that I like involves Tequila, Lime Juice, Salt, and is green: all other Slush is evil. Especially when it falls from the sky onto my head. WTF Weather!?!
  • I went to the bathroom to wash my hands (because I'm convinced the entire campus of my university is germ-infested) and someone was in the stall GRUNTING, CLEARLY CONSTIPATED and taking a very.very. noisy poodle. I didn't know whether to yak, burst into tears,  burst into laughter or a random combination of the three. AND she had her backpack on the ground of the stall which is DIR.TY. WTF ultimate disgustingness!? Take your toilet issues elsewhere honey. And go ahead and toss that backpack. 

And now for a mini sorority story. 

One time, during rush, this girl's family sent us a HUGE sheet cake with her name on it, so we wouldn't forget to put her on our bid list.(Super creepy.) Clearly her family was trying to sabotage our waistlines and give us muffin tops, so guess what?! CUT. (Just kidding...but she didn't end up being in our sorority. Lord know what else they might have sent? Kalteen bars!? If you can name the movie that's from I will kiss you on the face.) This is just an example of how crazy certain moms/families can get when they want their daughter in a certain house. TOTALLY.CRAY.CRAY.

The cake was literally 2 feet long. I kid you NOT. And it was conveniently in our sorority colors, complete with our sorority flower as decoration. Can you say CRAY CRAY?!

PEE.ESS. I was walking into the office this morning, and I'm not pulling your leg when I tell you that an adorable squirrel was standing at the doors, trying to get in. He was so freaking cute! He stood there, looked at me like "Umm...this is where you open up and let me in" and I was all "awww, you wanna go inside sweet baby!?!?" And then I looked and there was someone behind me who heard me. I think I turned purple. But I'm an animal whisperer, so I whispered the squirrel away. Poor thing was probz freezing its bushy little tail off. Now someone in my building will see me as the "crazy chick who talks to squirrels" and I don't care. CAN I GET A WITNESS?!


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Tardy for the Party. I Know. I'm Sorry.

Friends and Lovers,Lover and Friends, 

Not only am I being kidnapped at the moment (this isn't the real  me posting, the real me has been sucked up by jerky whore-moans) but I have a flippin' midterm on Thursday that is, how do you say, IMPOSSIBLE TO STUDY FOR...So, needless to say, I might be a little MIA on the blogosphere till...oh...Next Tuesday. 

I have this midterm, then I have to work ALL WEEKEND LONG. Then I have a three hour long presentation Monday...and then ANOTHER three hour long presentation Tuesday. But then, I'm out of the woods and life will be all perfect and shiny and nice. Right? Yes. It will be. It has to be. 

Next Friday, I'm super majorly big-time hoping to go see Tyrone Wells in concert. He's a great singer/songwriter after my own heart. Amazing with words, and can sing his face off. Srsly. Don't believe me? Listen to him. Love him. I recommend "Sea Breeze" (one of my favorite songs evah and if he sings it next week I will literally melt. srsly.) "Baby Don't You Change" "Better Off Without You" and "Sink or Swim". 

So, in lieu of all the stuff I usually do during the week, I will leave you with a tiny taste of what's to come with sorority stories thanks to my inspiration at Speaking from the Crib. 

  • The term "sorostitute" was used loosely among many members of the Greek community
  • I was social chair of my sorority. I'm no stranger to a party. 
  • I was also parliamentarian, which means I could throw down. Basically. 
  • Put 200 or so females in a house for a week during rush and you're bound to see more Advil, tampons, lip gloss, cat fights, tears, cookies, pink glittery stuff and estrogen than you've ever wanted to imagine. 
Happy Tuesday Kids! 

Oh, also, I forgot to tell you. I hate Punxsutawney Phil. I don't care if you call PETA on my ass. That jerk is making a LOT of us freeze our heinies off, and I do NOT appreciate it. I am all in favor of animal rights, I volunteer at the SPCA for Pete's sake, but THIS IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE. Phil, you owe us BIG next year...I'm talkin' you better turn Texas into the freaking Bahamas by next February. I mean it. Don't make me march my animal whisperer self up there to wherever it is you are and make me whisper you into submission....

wipe that smirk off your head...furry jerk.

Musique Du Jour:

Tyrone Wells, srsly he's awesome kids.He's been featured on Grey's Anatomy etc.
"Shark In The Water" VV Brown. (Acoustic Version)
"Awake My Soul" Mumford & Sons
"Revolver" Madonna feat. David Guetta and Lil Wayne
"Slow Down (The Way It Goes)" The Magic Numbers
"Untouchable" Taylor Swift. Yep I said it. I like her. Shut it. 

And since I know a lot of you guys might not take my amazing advice and listen to him, here's the video of him performing "Sea Breeze" watch it, then look me in the eyes and tell me it's not a beautiful song. And if you don't like it, then you can go hang out in a cave and freeze with Punxsutawney Phil. 

you're welcome. 

Monday, February 22, 2010

Sweetness and Such

Hi Lovahs, 

SO, this morning I was on the way to work and brainstorming blog ideas, and I was just concocting random menageries of things that would prob confuse your brains. And since I know it's Monday, I won't do that to you just yet. Then, the lovely Stacy gave me an award! She's a sweet pea who's a whiz in the kitchen and she has the cutest ewok dog EVAH and her and Sushi should prob buy BFF collars...just sayin'. Soo, below is my award! And then I have to list 10 things that make me happy, then I pass it on to 10 peeps. Good thing 10 is my lucky number or else I'd be super annoyed. HENCEFORTH....

Stacy thinks I'm sweet....sweet!

Things that make me Happy (in no particular order):

1.) My crazy family. I'm so lucky to have them, and I don't know what I'd do without them. Cheezeball but true.

2.) Music. Before my feet hit the ground every morning, my speakers are already playing something. My car is never silent, and showers aren't showers if there isn't music on, same goes for cleaning, cooking, etc. etc. 

3.) My friends. The Beatles had it right. "I get by with a little help from my friends." I couldn't ask for better ones, y'all know who you are!

4.) The lessons my Dad taught me. I wouldn't be where I am / Who I am without what he taught me and helped me learn. 

5.) My pup. Sushi is quite possibly the most loved dog on the planet. She's amazing and her furry little self has seen me at my highest highs and lowest lows.

6.) 75 degree days spent outside in the sun. I think all my readers know about my affinity for warmth and sun about now. 

7.) Outdoor concerts. Want to see me with a perma-smile? Take me to an outdoor show. I'll be on cloud 9 for days. Srsly. 

8.) Baseball games. Cold beer, hotdogs, and seats behind home plate where I can watch the pitch come in. Talk about happy. 

9.) Bodies of water. Get me on the beach or on the lake and everything is A-Ok. Throw a hammock into the mix and we're talking subliminal happiness. 

10.) My royal screw-ups in life, heartbreak included. Looking back on all that stuff makes me happy for what it made me realize, what it made me learn, and how it changed my perspective to be better at life, not bitter. 

I hereby pass this on to.....

CARISSA bc she's my soultwin and we like to drunkenly text each other on weekends.
I say Yes When I Oughta Say No, because the title speaks for itself and she makes me laugh.
Mr. Overly Competitive because he might be a male version of me in some ways and he cracks me up!
Cher. Because I've been reading her since I started my blog and she's an amazing hawt mama who gives good advice and has hysterical stories and photo-documenting skillz.
Linden. From Cake Called, I Answered, because she's a Houstonian who understands my hatred for shistey weather, cooks like a pro, and has an adorable pup who I might kidnap.
The Girls at Misadventures from the Batcave. Weasel Wednesdays kill me (in the best way possible) and they're full of blog amazingness.
J. From Life. She's another Texan who is super sweet and shares my love for dogs.
Steam Me Up Kid. She KILLZ me and I like it.
At Least I'm Skinny. Because she is crafty and loves J. Shore. 
B at Blicious! She is super adorable, takes awesome pics and lets me drool over her closet. 

Y'all rock. 

Stay tuned this week for some sorority stories! Speaking from the Crib has hazed convinced me into writing about some stories, so maybe I'll call it "Speaking from the Sorority" or something equally non-creative. Ha. Peace out and Happy Monday!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Dear Climate,

Dear Weather Patterns in Houston, TX, 

Was it something I said? Did you see too much of my skin last summer? Did I get too clingy? Did you not like my fierce new bandeau top for minimal tan lines? Was it the hours and hours I spent lying on a towel blaring music? Was it the handle of sweet tea vodka I shared with friends under you? Or are you being the typical "look I really like you, like a lot, but I just don't know if I can handle something so serious right now?" (Even though that's secretly how I am too...) I don't understand what you're doing. Quit playing games. You know I don't like playing games (unless they involve flip cup, beer pong, circle of death or one, two, three DRINK!) 

Me and Lilo are poolside BFF's and we NEED OUR SUNSHINE.

I'm going to be real with you. I CAN'T live without you any longer. My inner chihuahua is slowly dying and withering away, and my skin is now entering PHASE 2 of plant death (that's really really bad). Kiehl's ultra moisturizer isn't even cutting it anymore. I need some tan. I need that "glow". Because without you, I don't look the same. And then the Volturi will be on my ass and I just don't need that! Do you understand me? I'm SO OVER sparkly diamond pale skin!!!!

that is true, except I'm the captain of the super pale team...NOT OK. Whoever said "pale is in" is engaging in a BOLD FACED LIE.

I need you to pull me out of this "funk". I just found out I can't go to COACHELLA (inner sob) and the next two weeks are going to be pure, unadulterated HELL ON EARTH (no, not KELL on earth, because that would be AMAZING). If you don't give me that "glow" soon, I'll never get out of my animal print pj's....I'll never rock the cute side braid with my cute tan. I'll never wear a flowy maxi dress. I need you to help me get ready for JAZZFEST in NEW ORLEANS because I found out that I CAN go to that. So I guess God closed one door, and opened a big-ass window for me. But for the love of my epidermis and my mental stability, PLEASE GET HOT AND SUNNY so I can return to my normal half-chihuahua self. I'm on my knees here. (That's what she said.....)

I am a pale chihuahua, and I am shy because of my pale-ness. HELP!

Musique Du Jour:
The self-titled album by "The Magic Numbers"
"Your Smile" Josh Turner
The album "The Golden Archipelago" by Shearwater
"Madly" Tristan Pettyman

PEE ESS: The WORST DATE EVER text messaged me and asked me out AGAIN. Is this a JOKE? He said "I promise I'll behave." THIS IS A JOKE. ASHTON, I'M NOT KIDDING, JUST GET THE CAMERAS OUT NOW. I'M DONE BEING PUNK'D HERE. For srs. CAN I GET A WITNESS?!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Something You Should Know....


Those of you that know me know that I am a very honest person. Brutally honest at times, and sometimes this gets me in a pickle. HOWEVER. I feel I haven't been completely honest with you guys/gals. While it is hard to get to know someone via the blogosphere, there's a part of me you should know about. And here it is. 

I am part Chihuahua. 

Umm....Yeah. MAYJAH news for you to take in, but it's time you knew. Before I was corrupted by that beotch in science class in 4th grade, I was CONVINCED 100% that I was part wolf and humans and animals could co-exist in the same body. I am an animal whisperer of sorts, so I thought it was only natural that I be a part of the animal kingdom. I used to have a Chihuahua named "Bubba" and we were kind of like soulmates (Don't worry Carissa, you're still soultwin numero uno). Ok so all of the following info is TRUE because it's from Wikipedia (baha my professors would choke and die if they read that!)

WHY JULIE IS PART CHIHUAHUA (brought to you by the folks at wiki):

  •  The Chihuahua’s history is a puzzling one as there are many theories surrounding their true origin. (I'm very mysterious, so I've been told. PLUS I have a diverse background.)
  • The Chihuahua was used in sacred rituals as they were considered holy to Pre-Colombian Indian nations. They were also popular pets to the upper class. (I mean this is just obvious. I'm kind of a big deal.)
  • Long-haired Chihuahuas are actually smoother to the touch, having soft, fine guard hairs and a downy undercoat, which gives them their fluffy appearance. (I have long hair and many people have told me it's super soft, and the  fluffiness is because of the static in the air)
  • The AKC describes the breed as, "A graceful, alert, swift-moving little dog with saucy expression, compact, and with terrier-like qualities of temperament." (DUH. If I had a nickel for every time someone called me "saucy" and "swift moving"...) The breed tends to be fiercely loyal to one particular owner, but may be attached to more. (Basically, I got yo' back! And I'm not a lyin' cheetah!) They do not always get along with other breeds.(Oopsies.)
  • tendency to bite when frightened. (I'm a huge scaredy cat and I will bite, kick, scream if I have to! IN other words...FIERCE)
  • Chihuahuas can also be at risk for hypoglycemia, or low blood sugar. (Sucks, but true!)
  • Chihuahuas are sometimes picky eaters, and care must be taken to provide them with adequate nutrition. (Ask anyone who knows me....)
  • Unfortunately, this breed doesn’t naturally handle cold weather well. There are a couple of different reasons for this, but the main reason comes from their history. The Chihuahua breed originated from the hot climate of Chihuahua, Mexico. In this hot climate, Chihuahuas didn’t need to deal with the cold. (NOW you understand all those posts I've been writing about HATING the miz cold! Plus I'm part Mexican, so it just furthers my point.
Aaaand, we might bear a strong resemblance to each other. I'm just sayin'.....

Has anyone ever told you that you look like an animal?!

Pee. Ess: Random Sidenote: I'm so embarrassed about the fact that Enrique Iglesias randomly came on my ipod this morning on the way to work...and I didn't skip it. I DANCED. And I flippin' love Taylor Swift. And Miley. Bite Me. Or I'll bite you since I'm a Chihuahua....

PEE PEE ESS. I'm not yappy. I swearz. The only time I'd consider myself yappy is when I was in college during sorority rush. But that wasn't real life. Obvi.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Nawlins Done Right

Friends and Lovahs, 

I'm BACK! Well, technically I've been back since Sunday night, but I sustained a battlescar in NOLA and have been lying low till today. Battlescars are usually cool, like the gash I have on my ankle from falling into a sewer in college, but noooo, I had to get a totally uncool one, PLUS I was dead sober when it happened. Basically I pulled my groin muscle reallllllll bad Sunday and couldn't really walk I'm serious. I have a really high pain threshold and this was PAINFUL. I digress. 

Mardi Gras was a success! I didn't get lost, I didn't get abducted, and I didn't get wastey-faced and make an ass of myself. HOWEVER. I did partake in some SCRUMPTIOUS eats, which I will share with you. For those of you who care, I didn't even see any boobies!! (I'm totes ok with that too btw). Now that Pardi Gras is over, I have to return to normal life...blah. BUT I graduate from my Master's three months from this past Sunday! Ah!

Oh, my homeslice over at BANANAS will DIE when I tell her that we were driving down Canal St. on Friday night with the windows down being total goons. This tricked out Escalade pulls up with this guy in shades, and a BIG mink coat with a HOOD. My friend who was driving looked over and goes "If it costs less that 20, it don't look right on me..." And low and behold, the guy flashes us a HUGE diamond and gold was JUVENILE. As in the rapper from NOLA who sings "Back that Azz Up"....yeah. Pretty flippin' amazing. Giggidy.

And now, I will share some photos from the weekend. Bon Apetit. 

I introduce you to "Eggs 9th"....two jumbo lump crab cakes, topped with two perfectly poached eggs, Hollandaise and shrimp. I also had a sweet potato pancake and the BEST Bloody Mary of my ENTIRE LIFE.

this guy was PASSED OUT COLD at "Cafe Du Monde" and his "friends" poured powdered sugar on him. So sweet. (Pun Intended)

A "cyclone" courtesy of the famous "Pat O'Brien's" I didn't drink this bc I can't drink Rum.

The "Mixed Nuts"...awesome parade.

Me with my beads. So happy.

This looks like a macaroon, but it's really CRACK. These are the most DELICIOUS things you've ever put in yo mouth. Srsly.

We went to see a group called "Galactic" MOST AMAZING jam band. EVAHHHH.

So, in short. We had a hell of a time! I'll be back with some Double You Tea Eff Wednesdays! Peace and Love and Macaroons!!! 


Thursday, February 11, 2010

I'm Kind of a Genius....

Hola Amigos y Amigas, 

I'm like the poster child for ADD/ADHD today, since all I care about is going home and packing for Mardi Gras. Thanks to many of you, especially my girl over at Cake Called, I Answered, I now am FULLY prepared to face Mardi Gras and survive without losing anything but a little dignity perhaps. (Don't worry, there will be NO chesticle exposure from this girl, I like to keep it classy...) SO, I have devised a GENIUS plan. Firstly, I have threatened all parties in our group with death by dumping them in the swamp with gators if they let me get abducted by clown clans (say that 5 times fast...clown clan...) AND THEN, my genius, fail proof plan was hatched. SO, to ensure that I don't get lost/abducted/kidnapped/sucked up into a UFO by aliens, I will be suggesting that we use some of THESE babies. 

Is this not a brilliant idea???? C'mon. It's BRILLIANT.

1. Our protectors will be able to drag me wherever they want, and can steer me in any direction they deem safe/more fun. 
2. I can hold my wallet, phone, camera and lip gloss on my BACK and have BOTH hands free for my DRANK. PLUS the person steering/pulling me will have a bird's eye view of my treasure trove so no one will try to pick-pocket me. Or is it pick monkey?
3. It's pretty freakin' adorable. Maybe I can give my monkey some beads too...again. genius.

OK so, I'm thinking this will ensure maximum fun and safety, no? Gosh I surprise myself sometimes....

HOWEVER, I will once again threaten my care-takers with instant alligator swamp death if they pull THIS MOVE. Watch this video, you will die laughing slash want this mother slapped. This will NOT be happening. I will be merrily prancing down the streets of NOLA carefree and safe, with a safety monkey on my back!

cray cray. 

PEE ESS. Member when I was creeped out that the guy from Verizon emailed me all creepily? WELL HE DID IT AGAIN YESTERDAY. This is a joke. CAN I GET A WITNESS!?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

My Bad...

Friends and Lovahs, Lovahs and Friends, 

I'm going to apologize in advance for bad blogger behavior (BBB). I've had a cray-cray week, and I'm trying to get my life together before this weekend. I know you're thinking, "But Jules Bears, what's going on this weekend that's so important you have to be a sucky blogger?" Well friends.......I'M GOING TO EFFING MARDI GRAS. I know...contain yo-selves. I can hardly believe it either. In fact, I don't really believe it, but it's happening apparently. I've NEVER been to Mardi Gras, and of course I am lucky enough to go the year the Saints (Who Dat!?) win the big game....I feel like a lucky little kitten. (yeah I don't know what a lucky little kitten has to do with this...bear with me). So, before I'm absent from the blogosphere, let me tell you some thangs:

Not no, but HELL NO.

  • thank you all so much for commenting on my shistey date post. It was miserable, but looking back and laughing is always the best part. PLUS I firmly believe in "If you wanna see the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain". 
  • I will NOT be flashing anyone for beads. I srsly don't care enough to expose myself to randoms, especially because I'm going to be a celebrity and I don't need people digging that shit up from my past.
  • I'm allergic to rum, so therefore I'm allergic to "hurricanes" and "hand grenades" and I'd like to REMEMBER my weekend thank you very much.
  • I'm secretly nervous I'm going to get lost and abducted and initiated into some weird circus cult. For realz. 
  • Any Mardi-Gras advice would be more than welcome!!! Y'all are the best EVAH!
  • Double You Tea Eff Wednesdays will be back in FULL SWING next week. 

Monday, February 8, 2010

I'ma Let You Finish...But....

Friends and Lovers, Lovers and Friends. 

For those of you who know me, you know I don't blog about my relationships/dating/personal deets. It's the way I roll, K? HOWEVER. I felt the need to share this particular gem with you. Basically, I'm going to tell you about the worst date. EVER. I know you've all probably been on one or two weird/awkward dates, but I'm going to pull a Kanye and say "I'ma let you finish...but....I HAVE BEEN ON THE WORST DATE IN HISTORY." Here goes. I will not disclose his name, therefore I will refer to him as "Disaster".

  • Disaster calls me to ask what time I'd like dinner. We have concert tickets for a show that will prob start around 9:30. He makes 8:45 reservations at a new "green" restaurant in town. He agrees to pick me up at my best friend's house, which coincidentally is the same apartment complex he used to live in. 
  • He calls at 8:30 to ask me where he's picking me up again...ummm are you stupid? I told you THREE TIMES and you USED TO EFFING LIVE THERE.
  • He picks me up. Gets out of the car to open my door. I smell booze. No wait, I smell A LOT of booze. I ask, "are you drunk?" he says "I've been at two parties since noon"....this is a joke. Someone pull out the "candid camera" cameras and tell me Ashton Kutcher is in the bushes and I'm being Punk'd. NOW. cameras, they must be waiting for me to be even more riled up. 
  • We get to dinner and by this point I'm livid. LIVID. Our table isn't ready. We sit at the bar. I tell him to drink water. Srsly. He says "damn, you're sassy, I like that", Uhhhh NO idiot, you're hammered and I'm not going to be seen with a lush at dinner. ON A FIRST DATE.
  • Did I mention the fact that his older brother used to live with my older brother? I start using this to my advantage. I say things like "if you make any wrong moves, my brother will kill you." He starts turning pale. 
  • He orders fish, I order steak. And champagne.(Might as well). His fish comes. He says "I didn't order this". I say "Um. Yes you did, I heard you order it." He take a bite. He says "it's dry, I'm sending it back." I'm MORTIFIED. The waiter brings him a steak. He takes 2 bites, and leaves it. Did I mention I'm MORTIFIED?! Candid Camera, WHERE ARE YOU!!?
  • We go to the concert. late. RILLLY late. We see 4 songs. I'm PISSED OFF. I'm being downright mean, he still thinks "You're so sassy". We get in the car. My girlfriend calls to see if I'm ok, I say HELL to the NO, and tell her to come get me before this dude crashes into a lightpole. 
  • I tell him to take me to my car. He says "where is your car?" I say, "are you fucking kidding me!?" He says "No." I say "You know what, drop me off at the CORNER of the highway. There's a Wendy's." I text my friend and tell her to meet me at WENDY'S. Are you hearing this? WENDY'S. Ashton Kutcher has STILL not shown up. 
  • He is driving 10 mph through intersections. I'm SCREECHING at him. Then I start laughing. Hysterically. Because I have a nervous laugh, but this has escalated to a nervous CACKLE. I was reaching decibels only dogs could hear. 
  • He pulls into a random street. I'm positive I have reached my end and I'm going to die. I say "um where the hell are you going?" He says "This is where I live". I say "are you fucking serious!?! TAKE ME TO WENDY'S...NOW...OR MY BROTHER WILL LIT-RILLY KILL YOU."
  • He drives to Wendy's. I FLY out of the car, say "thanks for dinner, lose my number". And I look around ONE MORE TIME to make sure Ashton isn't lurking in the drive-thru. I jump into my girlfirend's car, and VENT. And then I vented some more. Then I shattered the screen of my brand new Droid.  Then he texted to say "I'll make it up to you"....did I answer? HELL NO. I'd rather go on a date with a hungry rabid grizzly bear than see him again. 
In other news....WHO DAT!?

Thursday, February 4, 2010


Ok kids. Member when I was all "HOE EM GEE I'm so flippin' pale and depressed over this shistey-miz weather, wah wah wah" ? WELL. I found the solution to my problem. And yes. It IS better than crack, and I'm addicted. Like my friend/word-nemesis Mr. Overly Competitive would say, I'm "snortin' blow hooked". (He also called his fiance a "chia-whore" and I died laughing. Slash if I were her I don't know how I'd react...I'd either slap him or die laughing...he's good people and funny. read his blog. the end.) Back to my crack addiction slash remedy for Seasonal Anxiety Disorder (for reelz, this shit is srs.) I was at "work" today, trying to cheer myself up and trying to not look at my translucent skin. 

this was me....BEFORE my epiphany.
(image via here)

THEN I realized..."Hmm..Jules-Bear, why don't you start online shopping for some super cute outfits for Coachella/SXSW and other fun springtime/summer activities, especially since you've been getting skinzy minzy (even though skinzy minzy doesn't effing matter when you're THIS PALE)?" And I said to myself "HOE EM GEE Jules-Bear, you're like soooo smart and awesome, I think I just might..." SO, off I went on my online shopping adventure. And now I'm obsessionated with and 

Cutest clothes EVAH for magical music fests and walks/frolics in the park/long walks down the beach/gallivanting in gorge weather. I digressionate. Just perusing these fabrics, seeing bright colors, and imaginating ( I made that word up. Nod and smile people. Nod and Smile.damnit.) myself in those flowy miracles of the cloth brought a heavenly smile to my face that is usually only a product of "physical activities" and/or chocolate/jelly beans.

SO, my fellow residents of the city formerly known as Houston, TX, now Forks, WA, if you find yourself in a miz miz miz place because of this shistey weather, shop your faces off online, and "imaginate" yourself being sunkissed and hawt! 

Two weekends ago, I was over-served (not my fault...evah) and when I am over-served, I tend to get....theatrical? Here are two examples:

1.) I'm riilllly bad at rejecting men's advances when I'm not sober. As in, I get rilllly awk, usually borderline rude. SO, this time, I was busy flirting with a certain someone at a bar. I was drinking something with cran juice in it (not by choice) and this sketch-ball comes up behind me (creepy) and says "hey there, whatcha drinkin'"... I give him the flying dagger stare, and say "uh, it's cran juice, I have a UTI." He ran away. I was happy...he was probz freaked the eff out. Mission.Accomplished.

2.) At the end of the night (peak of my non-sobriety) I met a gaggle of men from the UK and South Africa. I proceeded to pretend that I too, was from South Africa (complete with an accent) and we talked about how much we missed "home" and football matches. Apparently I also spouted off some stats that I knew and they were impressed. I also apparently gave some chap called "Tony" my phone number. "Tony" texted me 30 minutes ago asking if "I was free for drinks later". I do not remember who the eff "Tony" is. Like I said, I was accosted by a GAGGLE of men. I would not know him from Adam. I am also, FYI, NOT FROM SOUTH do I get myself into these situations??? NEWSFLASH: Last night, I was at dinner with a friend of mine, when "Tony" called...I panicked, answered, and handed the phone to my friend (who is a man) and told him to say "wrong number mate". I did this because if I hit "ignore" he'd hear my AMERICAN VOICE in my voicemail. OY VEY. I'm a hot mess. Might as well call the blog "Life As A Hot" 

pee.ess. I paid for my "rude" UTI comment (thanks karma) by suffering a 2 day long miz-miz hangover. SO there.
pee-pee ess. There is a potential mother of all "Can I Get A Witness" situation brewing as we speak, and I can't WAIT to tell you what it is...."

It Must Be 2010....C'est La Vie

Remember when we were younger and the year 2010 was all futuristic? Like we were all fairly certain that we would FO SHO be maneuvering hovercrafts and teleporting, and babies would take 3 minutes to grow and we wouldn't have to actually go through labor, and food wouldn't have calories, and men and women wouldn't be complicated as hell and...oh wait, I think I just described my dream....ANYWHO. This morning I realized that it really IS the future because somehow, Houston has changed places with Forks, Washington, and I will never see the sun again. So, this is good because now my skin won't sparkle and tip everyone off, BUT I will probably be featured in "Paranormal Activity" on A&E after "Hoarders" because people who see me will be calling in for ghost activity. (Which could actually be REALLY fun, because then I could scare people I don't like and play ghostly pranks...hmmmm...curious)

I'm one of those people who is kind of like a plant. If you give me water (tea, coffee, wine or beer), sunshine, and good music, I'm kind of like the happiest person ever. If you deprive me of these things, I will wither away, die, rot, and be really..really..ugly to look at. And right now, I am in phase 1 of plant death. I'm pale, my skin is dry, and the lack of sunshine is physically and emotionally taking its toll. Blah.

I am wilting people. WILTING.

Moving on. In poz news, I am in a really cool/exciting/scary as hell phase of life. In three months, I will have a Master's, and I will have no urge to put it to use. I think that's ironic, and being the sarcass that I am, I find this humorous. While I love kids and teaching, I'm not willing to be a teacher right now (And pee-pee pants, booger noses, and kids yakking make me cringe). Maybe later,  but not right now. I'm young enough to relish this "young-ness" (for now) and I'm going to pursue what I really love. And that, friends, is writing and music. Like I said before, I might fall flat on my ass, but I won't be able to say I didn't try. And when I'm old and HOT (because I REFUSE to be a frump-ass) I will look back at Coachella/ACL/SXSW/random shows and know that I had a HELL of a time, and I wouldn't trade that for the world. So, here I go, into this crazy time where today will be completely different from tomorrow, and the world keeps spinning madly on....C'est La Vie, it'll happen the way it should.

C'est La Vie. Kinda My Mantra These Days.
(Image from here)

For all of you in nice weather, send me some sunshine! And for all you Houstonians, chin up people, because it's gonna be a hell of a summa!

Bands I CAN'T stop listening to:

Band of Skulls
The Middle East
Grizzly Bear
Anya Marina
Sondre Lerche (I'm seeing him tomorrow night!)
G. Love & The Special Sauce (I'm seeing them Saturday night!)
Mark Farina (I'm also seeing him Saturday night!)
The XX

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Double You Tea Eff Wednesday and Silver Linings

Here we are, another hump-day. I swear, if the weather in this town doesn't take a turn towards sunny-ville soon, I'm going to go totally cray-cray and become a hermit and never leave Merlot, Chardonnay, or my pajamas. I've now crossed the line from pale to total translucence, and soon my real identity (vamp) will be exposed. And then I'd have to change the blog to "Life in a Coffin" or "Life at the Blood Bank" and that'd be totes inconvenient. I feel so gross when I'm pale, and that is NOT a good thing. at.all. Sarah will make fun of me for going to "Darque Tan" (pronounced dar-kwa) so I have to wait for the real thing. So now for featured Double Ewe Tea Effs: Pale is fug. At least for me. PLUS it exposes my vamp-ness, and I don't need the Volturi barking up my tree right now. srsly.

  • Houston has officially become Forks, WA, and I am beginning to forget what the sun feels like. WTF weather?
  • Technically speaking, I am a "senior" in my Master's Program since it's my last.semester.ever. So, logically, I am suffering from an EXTREME case of "senioritis"'s only the 3rd week of the term. WTF senioritis coming so early?? (That's what she said...sorry couldn't help myself. Shout out to Carissa and Stacy who both KNOW that TWSS will never.get.old.EVAH.)
  • My hair has grown like a million inches in the last few months and my hair usually grows at a snaaaaail's pace. The only person who I trust to cut my hair works in Nashville (Renee at "The Loft" I love you, NO ONE cuts my hair like you do...) If any of you readers live in Houston and know of someone who won't leave me looking like I had a date with a weed-eater, holla atcha girl. WTF lack of skillful, hairdressers in Houston and WTF to those who charge 5 bajillion dollars to cut hair?!
A week ago, I took my new phone into Verizon because I was having trouble figuring it out. The dude who helped me was helpful, but then, today, in the middle of class, I received an email from him where he goes "hey, what's up, how's the new phone treating you :) If you need more help, you know I'll help you out..." Well, see, problem is, I actually meant to go in because I'm still having an issue, and now I'm weirded out that he e-mailed me and included an emoticon...Emoticons weird me out. So now I'm going to have to go to ANOTHER location to ask my questions. Am I weird? Can I Get A Witness?

Random Observation: Sometimes, when you want something, you can't wait for it to jump in your lap. Sometimes, you have to break some rules and just go for it. And sometimes, when you do this, it will make you cry, but sometimes it will make you smile. And when you take a chance and it makes you smile, there is no better feeling. I've had some black clouds over my head the past few weeks, but I finally bit the bullet and got a smile out of it. And even though I don't know how things will REALLY end, one smile is better than another day on my shit-tractor. I may fall on my ass in the long run, but I can't look back and regret not trying.

Chanson Du Jour:
"Resistance"- Muse
"Are You F*cking Kidding Me" - Kate Miller-Heidke (Carrissa, do your effing homework and look this song up)
"Dimestore Diamond" - Gossip
"Cosmic Love" - Florence and the Machine
"Company I Keep"- White Rabbits
"Home"- Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
"So Insane"- Discovery

OK so I had to add this: On my way to work this morning, walking through campus in the FREEZING COLD WIND ( I'm fairly certain (like 99.998989999999 % sure) that I saw Russell Brand AND Bubba Sparxx walking amongst the commonfolk. I couldn't fish my camera out of my bag because my claw/hand was frozen to my tea mug. Can I Get A Witness?