Ok kids. Member when I was all "HOE EM GEE I'm so flippin' pale and depressed over this shistey-miz weather, wah wah wah" ? WELL. I found the solution to my problem. And yes. It IS better than crack, and I'm addicted. Like my friend/word-nemesis Mr. Overly Competitive would say, I'm "snortin' blow hooked". (He also called his fiance a "chia-whore" and I died laughing. Slash if I were her I don't know how I'd react...I'd either slap him or die laughing...he's good people and funny. read his blog. the end.) Back to my crack addiction slash remedy for Seasonal Anxiety Disorder (for reelz, this shit is srs.) I was at "work" today, trying to cheer myself up and trying to not look at my translucent skin.
this was me....BEFORE my epiphany.
(image via here)
THEN I realized..."Hmm..Jules-Bear, why don't you start online shopping for some super cute outfits for Coachella/SXSW and other fun springtime/summer activities, especially since you've been getting skinzy minzy (even though skinzy minzy doesn't effing matter when you're THIS PALE)?" And I said to myself "HOE EM GEE Jules-Bear, you're like soooo smart and awesome, I think I just might..." SO, off I went on my online shopping adventure. And now I'm obsessionated with www.asos.com and www.boutiquetoyou.com
Cutest clothes EVAH for magical music fests and walks/frolics in the park/long walks down the beach/gallivanting in gorge weather. I digressionate. Just perusing these fabrics, seeing bright colors, and imaginating ( I made that word up. Nod and smile people. Nod and Smile.damnit.) myself in those flowy miracles of the cloth brought a heavenly smile to my face that is usually only a product of "physical activities" and/or chocolate/jelly beans.
SO, my fellow residents of the city formerly known as Houston, TX, now Forks, WA, if you find yourself in a miz miz miz place because of this shistey weather, shop your faces off online, and "imaginate" yourself being sunkissed and hawt!
Two weekends ago, I was over-served (not my fault...evah) and when I am over-served, I tend to get....theatrical? Here are two examples:
1.) I'm riilllly bad at rejecting men's advances when I'm not sober. As in, I get rilllly awk, usually borderline rude. SO, this time, I was busy flirting with a certain someone at a bar. I was drinking something with cran juice in it (not by choice) and this sketch-ball comes up behind me (creepy) and says "hey there, whatcha drinkin'"... I give him the flying dagger stare, and say "uh, it's cran juice, I have a UTI." He ran away. I was happy...he was probz freaked the eff out. Mission.Accomplished.
2.) At the end of the night (peak of my non-sobriety) I met a gaggle of men from the UK and South Africa. I proceeded to pretend that I too, was from South Africa (complete with an accent) and we talked about how much we missed "home" and football matches. Apparently I also spouted off some stats that I knew and they were impressed. I also apparently gave some chap called "Tony" my phone number. "Tony" texted me 30 minutes ago asking if "I was free for drinks later". I do not remember who the eff "Tony" is. Like I said, I was accosted by a GAGGLE of men. I would not know him from Adam. I am also, FYI, NOT FROM SOUTH AFRICA....how do I get myself into these situations??? NEWSFLASH: Last night, I was at dinner with a friend of mine, when "Tony" called...I panicked, answered, and handed the phone to my friend (who is a man) and told him to say "wrong number mate". I did this because if I hit "ignore" he'd hear my AMERICAN VOICE in my voicemail. OY VEY. I'm a hot mess. Might as well call the blog "Life As A Hot Mess.com"
CAN I GET A WITNESS!?
pee.ess. I paid for my "rude" UTI comment (thanks karma) by suffering a 2 day long miz-miz hangover. SO there.
pee-pee ess. There is a potential mother of all "Can I Get A Witness" situation brewing as we speak, and I can't WAIT to tell you what it is...."