Thursday, February 4, 2010

I FOUND THE REMEDY AND IT'S BETTER THAN CRACK!

Ok kids. Member when I was all "HOE EM GEE I'm so flippin' pale and depressed over this shistey-miz weather, wah wah wah" ? WELL. I found the solution to my problem. And yes. It IS better than crack, and I'm addicted. Like my friend/word-nemesis Mr. Overly Competitive would say, I'm "snortin' blow hooked". (He also called his fiance a "chia-whore" and I died laughing. Slash if I were her I don't know how I'd react...I'd either slap him or die laughing...he's good people and funny. read his blog. the end.) Back to my crack addiction slash remedy for Seasonal Anxiety Disorder (for reelz, this shit is srs.) I was at "work" today, trying to cheer myself up and trying to not look at my translucent skin. 

this was me....BEFORE my epiphany.
(image via here)

THEN I realized..."Hmm..Jules-Bear, why don't you start online shopping for some super cute outfits for Coachella/SXSW and other fun springtime/summer activities, especially since you've been getting skinzy minzy (even though skinzy minzy doesn't effing matter when you're THIS PALE)?" And I said to myself "HOE EM GEE Jules-Bear, you're like soooo smart and awesome, I think I just might..." SO, off I went on my online shopping adventure. And now I'm obsessionated with www.asos.com and www.boutiquetoyou.com 

Cutest clothes EVAH for magical music fests and walks/frolics in the park/long walks down the beach/gallivanting in gorge weather. I digressionate. Just perusing these fabrics, seeing bright colors, and imaginating ( I made that word up. Nod and smile people. Nod and Smile.damnit.) myself in those flowy miracles of the cloth brought a heavenly smile to my face that is usually only a product of "physical activities" and/or chocolate/jelly beans.

SO, my fellow residents of the city formerly known as Houston, TX, now Forks, WA, if you find yourself in a miz miz miz place because of this shistey weather, shop your faces off online, and "imaginate" yourself being sunkissed and hawt! 

Two weekends ago, I was over-served (not my fault...evah) and when I am over-served, I tend to get....theatrical? Here are two examples:

1.) I'm riilllly bad at rejecting men's advances when I'm not sober. As in, I get rilllly awk, usually borderline rude. SO, this time, I was busy flirting with a certain someone at a bar. I was drinking something with cran juice in it (not by choice) and this sketch-ball comes up behind me (creepy) and says "hey there, whatcha drinkin'"... I give him the flying dagger stare, and say "uh, it's cran juice, I have a UTI." He ran away. I was happy...he was probz freaked the eff out. Mission.Accomplished.

2.) At the end of the night (peak of my non-sobriety) I met a gaggle of men from the UK and South Africa. I proceeded to pretend that I too, was from South Africa (complete with an accent) and we talked about how much we missed "home" and football matches. Apparently I also spouted off some stats that I knew and they were impressed. I also apparently gave some chap called "Tony" my phone number. "Tony" texted me 30 minutes ago asking if "I was free for drinks later". I do not remember who the eff "Tony" is. Like I said, I was accosted by a GAGGLE of men. I would not know him from Adam. I am also, FYI, NOT FROM SOUTH AFRICA....how do I get myself into these situations??? NEWSFLASH: Last night, I was at dinner with a friend of mine, when "Tony" called...I panicked, answered, and handed the phone to my friend (who is a man) and told him to say "wrong number mate". I did this because if I hit "ignore" he'd hear my AMERICAN VOICE in my voicemail. OY VEY. I'm a hot mess. Might as well call the blog "Life As A Hot Mess.com" 
CAN I GET A WITNESS!?

pee.ess. I paid for my "rude" UTI comment (thanks karma) by suffering a 2 day long miz-miz hangover. SO there.
pee-pee ess. There is a potential mother of all "Can I Get A Witness" situation brewing as we speak, and I can't WAIT to tell you what it is...."

17 comments:

  1. Hilarious. I'm totally stealing your UTI line!!

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  2. Haha too funny. And OMG, that's a Brussels Griffon in that picture! Of course, my baby nugget is WAY cuter, but still!

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  3. Total side story: I actually know a girl from Forks. She lives in my tiny-ass excuse for a town now and is married to my friend. I asked her once if she knew the Cullens. She'd obviously heard that one before...
    I'm SO taking your advice and doing some spring/summer online shopping... I may need more advice when I get depressed for being broke. (What can I say? I'm needy.)
    XOXO~

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  4. never used the UTI excuse...next time, i totally will. thanks for the tip ;)

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  5. teeheehee. I love using fake accents. I always try to pretend that I'm from the same place foreign people are from.

    And stop talking about SXSW and Coachella! My skin was translucent but now it's just green with envy!! (that was stupid.) (i don't care.)

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  6. How in the hell did you pull off a South African accent??

    Color me impressed.

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  7. Thanks for the shout-out! Now maybe my readership will increase to 3! So stoked!

    Question: Did you use the acronym UTI? Honestly, I would have been all deer in headlights. He should have gotten bonus points for knowing UTI.

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  8. "this shistey-miz weather"

    shistey, is one of my favorite words which I seemed to forget about.

    often replaced with dodgy, sketchy, sketch

    gonna start using again. Thanks

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  9. I'm totally using the STI comment the next time a guy tries to pick me up.

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  10. Just wait until you run into South Africa man at another bar. Just pretend it's your twin sister and she is just that mean.

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  11. I'm going to have to steal the UTI comment. I get pretty rude to guys in bars, too. Its pretty fun sometimes.

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  12. Yes - shopping can magically fix anything. It's the elixir of hope.

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  13. i love that you insist on keeping up a lie with a complete stranger that you don't even want to talk to. i heart crazy-logic

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  14. Shopping... it's pretty much my therapy. Oh, woops, $20,000 worth of credit card debt... I guess shopping WAS my therapy LOL.
    I love your made up words and how you spell things like "hawt"... it reminds me of my BFF and I. We like to combine words to make new ones... like "Yewck" is yuck + ew. Or "Groatz" is gross... only worse. :)

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  15. Can i come with you to coachella and sxsw. I think that's was amaizng cool people do.

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  16. check out your weasels..

    http://batcavemisadventures.blogspot.com/2010/02/weasel-wednesday-we-made-award-edition.html

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