Friends and Lovers, Lovers and Friends.
For those of you who know me, you know I don't blog about my relationships/dating/personal deets. It's the way I roll, K? HOWEVER. I felt the need to share this particular gem with you. Basically, I'm going to tell you about the worst date. EVER. I know you've all probably been on one or two weird/awkward dates, but I'm going to pull a Kanye and say "I'ma let you finish...but....I HAVE BEEN ON THE WORST DATE IN HISTORY." Here goes. I will not disclose his name, therefore I will refer to him as "Disaster".
- Disaster calls me to ask what time I'd like dinner. We have concert tickets for a show that will prob start around 9:30. He makes 8:45 reservations at a new "green" restaurant in town. He agrees to pick me up at my best friend's house, which coincidentally is the same apartment complex he used to live in.
- He calls at 8:30 to ask me where he's picking me up again...ummm are you stupid? I told you THREE TIMES and you USED TO EFFING LIVE THERE.
- He picks me up. Gets out of the car to open my door. I smell booze. No wait, I smell A LOT of booze. I ask, "are you drunk?" he says "I've been at two parties since noon"....this is a joke. Someone pull out the "candid camera" cameras and tell me Ashton Kutcher is in the bushes and I'm being Punk'd. NOW. Ok...no cameras, they must be waiting for me to be even more riled up.
- We get to dinner and by this point I'm livid. LIVID. Our table isn't ready. We sit at the bar. I tell him to drink water. Srsly. He says "damn, you're sassy, I like that", Uhhhh NO idiot, you're hammered and I'm not going to be seen with a lush at dinner. ON A FIRST DATE.
- Did I mention the fact that his older brother used to live with my older brother? I start using this to my advantage. I say things like "if you make any wrong moves, my brother will kill you." He starts turning pale.
- He orders fish, I order steak. And champagne.(Might as well). His fish comes. He says "I didn't order this". I say "Um. Yes you did, I heard you order it." He take a bite. He says "it's dry, I'm sending it back." I'm MORTIFIED. The waiter brings him a steak. He takes 2 bites, and leaves it. Did I mention I'm MORTIFIED?! Candid Camera, WHERE ARE YOU!!?
- We go to the concert. late. RILLLY late. We see 4 songs. I'm PISSED OFF. I'm being downright mean, he still thinks "You're so sassy". We get in the car. My girlfriend calls to see if I'm ok, I say HELL to the NO, and tell her to come get me before this dude crashes into a lightpole.
- I tell him to take me to my car. He says "where is your car?" I say, "are you fucking kidding me!?" He says "No." I say "You know what, drop me off at the CORNER of the highway. There's a Wendy's." I text my friend and tell her to meet me at WENDY'S. Are you hearing this? WENDY'S. Ashton Kutcher has STILL not shown up.
- He is driving 10 mph through intersections. I'm SCREECHING at him. Then I start laughing. Hysterically. Because I have a nervous laugh, but this has escalated to a nervous CACKLE. I was reaching decibels only dogs could hear.
- He pulls into a random street. I'm positive I have reached my end and I'm going to die. I say "um where the hell are you going?" He says "This is where I live". I say "are you fucking serious!?! TAKE ME TO WENDY'S...NOW...OR MY BROTHER WILL LIT-RILLY KILL YOU."
- He drives to Wendy's. I FLY out of the car, say "thanks for dinner, lose my number". And I look around ONE MORE TIME to make sure Ashton isn't lurking in the drive-thru. I jump into my girlfirend's car, and VENT. And then I vented some more. Then I shattered the screen of my brand new Droid. Then he texted to say "I'll make it up to you"....did I answer? HELL NO. I'd rather go on a date with a hungry rabid grizzly bear than see him again.
- CAN I GET A WITNESS!??!
In other news....WHO DAT!?