I HATE When I Get Kidnapped....Such An Inconvenience

Yes, I was kidnapped this weekend, and I'm back. Before you get all "ohmygoshareyouok!?" on me, let me be the first to tell you, this isn't the first time I've been 'napped. 

So, basically, these evil creatures called "whore-moans" come to earth, steal me, and replace me with a different version of myself. Basically, the "fake" me, is super emo, gets misty eyed when she drops her pen, listens to whiny music, eats chocolate like it's the last edible thing on earth, and is very "woe is me". So basically, my weekend consisted of my "fake" self schlepping around in my pink leopard pajamas, watching movies, drinking wine, eating Nestle "Flipz" and missing my "real" self who was taken up to space with those assholes called "whore-moans". PLUS it was a full moon, and that just made shit worse.  For instance, I met a friend for lunch, and I was wearing black yoga pants, a black wool turtleneck, my wayfarers, and a baseball hat. He asked me if I was in espionage school, or if I was trying to channel a celebrity in hiding. If you know me at all, you will know that if you ever see me in a baseball hat, I'm either 1. going to be outdoors all day 2. have been abducted my "whore-moans" and the thought of brushing my hair makes me want to stick needles in my eyes. 

basically.

So, now that I'm back, I'm very happy to return to "normal" me instead of "fake and emo" me. Because nobody likes a whiner. However, the weather in Houston has been so shistey that the only way I could stop myself from turning around dead in my tracks this morning in the freezing rain was by chanting "FML, FML FML, FML, FML, FML" on the walk to work this morning. It took my mind off the fact that I couldn't feel my frozen claws fingers gripping my umbrella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay and frozen toes. 

Sooo, get excited guys, because in the next few hours, I will be losing my guest-post v-card! My friend Neil will be posting about the fact that he won the first place award at a Jersey Shore themed party this weekend. Neil is a total gangsta and I'll give you the word on him as soon as he finishes his post....ahem. Neil, that's your cue to hurry the eff up. Deadlines...deadlines my friend. 

So, this morning, during my "FML" chanting walk to work, someone asked if I was a Vampire... Wait, stop, rewind. Let me break it down for you. 

Human: "What are you a vampire or something"

Me/Vampire Me: "Uhh...why do you ask?"

Human: "Well, it's raining and grey, and you're wearing dark sunnies"

Me/Vampire Me: Evil Grin, very a la Cheshire Cat/Dwight Schrute when he grins like an evil goblin....I will never blow my cover....Edward WHO?

Last weekend, I was in a "mood" and was too hungover to be bar hopping. Plus my friend made me walk like 984573 miles down the street in rilllllllllly high heels. So, we went to this bar that was supposed to be "amazing". Um. Not so much. There were trolls every.where. So as we walk in, I loudly observe "What the hell is this, a Lord of the Rings audition!?".....Can I Get A Witness?

Chanson Du Jour:

Band of Skulls- Fires

Sia- Satellite Heart

The Middle East- Lonely and Fool's Gold

White Rabbits- Company I Keep

Delphic- This Momentary

Pee Ess: I'm about to go snatch this broad's phone from the office if she doesn't turn down the damn ringtone...for srs. Maybe the bodysnatchers are back for round two of 'napping me...damn. Just when I thought I was back in action.