Monday, February 1, 2010

I HATE When I Get Kidnapped....Such An Inconvenience

Yes, I was kidnapped this weekend, and I'm back. Before you get all "ohmygoshareyouok!?" on me, let me be the first to tell you, this isn't the first time I've been 'napped. 

So, basically, these evil creatures called "whore-moans" come to earth, steal me, and replace me with a different version of myself. Basically, the "fake" me, is super emo, gets misty eyed when she drops her pen, listens to whiny music, eats chocolate like it's the last edible thing on earth, and is very "woe is me". So basically, my weekend consisted of my "fake" self schlepping around in my pink leopard pajamas, watching movies, drinking wine, eating Nestle "Flipz" and missing my "real" self who was taken up to space with those assholes called "whore-moans". PLUS it was a full moon, and that just made shit worse.  For instance, I met a friend for lunch, and I was wearing black yoga pants, a black wool turtleneck, my wayfarers, and a baseball hat. He asked me if I was in espionage school, or if I was trying to channel a celebrity in hiding. If you know me at all, you will know that if you ever see me in a baseball hat, I'm either 1. going to be outdoors all day 2. have been abducted my "whore-moans" and the thought of brushing my hair makes me want to stick needles in my eyes. 

Nikki Reed Team Baseball Cap

So, now that I'm back, I'm very happy to return to "normal" me instead of "fake and emo" me. Because nobody likes a whiner. However, the weather in Houston has been so shistey that the only way I could stop myself from turning around dead in my tracks this morning in the freezing rain was by chanting "FML, FML FML, FML, FML, FML" on the walk to work this morning. It took my mind off the fact that I couldn't feel my frozen claws fingers gripping my umbrella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay and frozen toes. 

Sooo, get excited guys, because in the next few hours, I will be losing my guest-post v-card! My friend Neil will be posting about the fact that he won the first place award at a Jersey Shore themed party this weekend. Neil is a total gangsta and I'll give you the word on him as soon as he finishes his post....ahem. Neil, that's your cue to hurry the eff up. Deadlines...deadlines my friend. 

So, this morning, during my "FML" chanting walk to work, someone asked if I was a Vampire... Wait, stop, rewind. Let me break it down for you. 

Human: "What are you a vampire or something"
Me/Vampire Me: "Uhh...why do you ask?"
Human: "Well, it's raining and grey, and you're wearing dark sunnies"
Me/Vampire Me: Evil Grin, very a la Cheshire Cat/Dwight Schrute when he grins like an evil goblin....I will never blow my cover....Edward WHO?

Last weekend, I was in a "mood" and was too hungover to be bar hopping. Plus my friend made me walk like 984573 miles down the street in rilllllllllly high heels. So, we went to this bar that was supposed to be "amazing". Um. Not so much. There were trolls every.where. So as we walk in, I loudly observe "What the hell is this, a Lord of the Rings audition!?".....Can I Get A Witness?

Chanson Du Jour:

Band of Skulls- Fires
Sia- Satellite Heart
The Middle East- Lonely and Fool's Gold
White Rabbits- Company I Keep
Delphic- This Momentary

Pee Ess: I'm about to go snatch this broad's phone from the office if she doesn't turn down the damn ringtone...for srs. Maybe the bodysnatchers are back for round two of 'napping me...damn. Just when I thought I was back in action. 


  1. Am I dumb because I do not know who Dwight Schrute is?

  2. It's like you're writing my biography! Have you been spying on me? I know you're dressed for espionage so anything is possible.

  3. Oooooo James, the answer is yes. Haha, JK. THE OFFICE RULES!

  4. to answer james - yes you are

    i have always said if i were never hormonal i would have like done way more stuff i want to but there's a lot of down time with the vagine blues

  5. is it sad that a pic of edward still makes me swoon... uggghhh, we so wish we were vamps IRL.

  6. i'll need you to talk to my trademarks professor about the reading load he assigns. it's really his fault it's taking me so long.

  7. Glad you're back. Sorry about the moans.

    I thought perhaps you were off on a fantastic fun filled weekend somewhere, with someone fantastic and fun filled. oops. Got that wrong, didn't I?

  8. unfortch, yes, you were wrong, but worry not my dear because this weekend I will be back with.a.vengeance. whore-moans ain't got nothin' on me....

  9. Ah. The whore moans usually accompany the pms moans in my life. I like that you were still wearing wayfarers. Theres some fabulousity.

  10. So I always picture being abducted by a pack of moaning whores to be more exciting.

  11. Just FYI - I'm semi-revamping my URL:

  12. thank gawd those nasty whore-moans let you free. i can't stand the woe is me, emo chick on her period.

    don't get me wrong i get it too! i just hide that shit from the rest of the world. i like to be loved, thank you very much. haha.

    you're awesome. k i'm done.

  13. I'm so glad your whore-moans have disapeared for the time-being. I think mine have made a permanent home in my body. But instead of cute celebrity in hide-out, I'm like the girl equivalent of Joaquin Pheonix-rapper extaordinaire. And I finally listened to that "whatever you like" song. Loves it!!!

  14. oooh I can't wait to check out these songs

  15. I am with you.

    Just found your blog and am dying laughing.
    You = funny.


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