Thursday, May 27, 2010

Just When I Was Sure It Couldn't Get Worse....

I don't know about you guys, but Houston has a little problem. I refer to it as the attack of the douchengoyles. (Thank you Carissa). You're all like, huh? Ok, so the douchengoyle: a definition...

  • Wears more hair gel than I have ever applied to my head, INCLUDING 4th grade dance recitals. 
  • Wears more rhinestones than a Judith Leiber clutch.
  • Makes less money than I do and acts like he's BFF with P.Diddy and the Donald. 
  • Drinks shots of Patron and lots of Jager Bombs, probably only drinks "Michelob Ultra" too. 
  • WEARS ED HARDY. I don't think you understand how much I hate Ed Hardy. Monday, when I was watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, I almost jumped through the television and RIPPED OFF poor Jacqueline's little baby boy's outfit because she has him on the fast track to douchengoyle-dom, and NO I don't care that it's Jersey, it's just NOT OK. I HATE ED HARDY. WHAT'S THE POINT? 
  • Honestly. What is the point? It costs more than a nice, sensible, and very sexy simple Polo or Lacoste shirt, and HAS GLITTERY SHIT AND DAGGERS AND LIONS AND TIGERS AND ROSES ON IT. It's like Lisa Frank took acid and went apeshit and sold her designs to this Christian Audigier character. (No disrespect made my elementary school days SO much brighter, sparklier, unicornier, and ponier)
but then she took acid and made Ed Hardy his millions.


EXCUSE ME, BUT I DO NOT WANT A MENTAL IMAGE OF DOUCHENGOYLES BONING DOUCHEN-GOYLE-ETTES, or SLORES as I like to refer to trashbag women. I swear, you should see some of the people here. It's like they live underground during the day in the sewers, and then at night, they crawl out all slimy and glittery and sparkly in their nasty sparkly gear. GROSS. AT LEAST THESE WILL PREVENT THEM FROM PROCREATING. Ugh. 

Moving on. Wish my male beefer happy travels on his way to visit my beefiestbeefer, and hopefully they don't have to call me for advice on where to find one of these "Monsieur Bond" gems. Oy vey. LOVE YOU GUYS. 


Wednesday, May 26, 2010


The title is just because. I like saying meowmix.


1. Super apologies for sucking at blogging. 

2. I GOT A JOB! Member when I was all cray cray scared thinking I was going to have to start stripping? Well, fear not, because I'm officially a grown up! Only downside is  I don't start till August and I need a summer job...ideas? Anybody want to hire yours truly?

3. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of cray cray but I secretly love that about life. I'm a lucky girl!


1. When it's 98 degrees outside and hot as BALLZ, please for the love of Miley WEAR DEODORANT PEOPLE. I was in line getting my passport the other day and damn near keeled over after catching a whiff of what was quite possibly THE.WORST.BO I've ever experienced. Holy holy holy guacamole. If smells could kill I'd be long gone. 


Whore-moans have ONCE AGAIN kidnapped me for the day and I wish I could crawl into a little ball under my desk and die death by crampage and whore-moan kidnappage. BLAH. I need a Bloody Mary the size of Wisconsin and I need it NOW. Yeah it's only 1pm and I don't careeeee. 

I'll take TEN. And keep 'em comin'....



Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Just a Quickie...

K, so I pinkie promised I'd be back for realz this week, but things are STILL hella cray cray up in here.

My besticle beefer left yesterday...I'm super duper sadface about that. I will share some classic one liners from her visit for your entertainment....Most of these occurred in PUBLIC.

"You belong in a barn"

"You have more rings on than a carney"

"You? Like a virgin? More like "Like A Virgin, Touched for the 75th time!" (While Singing to the tune of Madonna's "Like A Virgin")

"You're giving me the grenade? I hate you."

"I can see your crawfish"

Basically it was an incredible weekend, I had a crawfish boil and I was a mess in a dress. I might show you pics. But might not .We'll see. I PROMISE I'll for realz be back soon, I know I've been sayin' that, but I MEAN it.


Thursday, May 13, 2010


OK don't guess, 'cause I'm gonna tell you....I've got lotsa NOOZ for you!

1. MY BESTICLE/BEEFER/BFFFFFFFFFFFL for LIFE is coming in town in approximantely 4 HOURS!!! I haven't seen her in 6 months and I will finally have my BEEFIEST BEEFERS IN THE WORLD together in ONE PLACE for the FIRST TIME EVAHHHHHHHHHHHH. You'll be able to see fireworks and stars and shit shooting from the sky. 


3. I just bought my cap and gown, and since I'm getting a Master's I will be the girl who looks like she's off to a Quidditch match.....yikes. NOT a good look for me. 

ANNNNNNNNNNND I will be back in full hurricane force next week!!!!!!!!

I've missed you!!!


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Hypothetical Cats Are Out Of The Bag....

OK, so I guess we have an issue to address. Other than the fact that I will not be blogging till next week because I am supposed to be writing a term paper right now, and I have 2 more to write. GROSS. 

On my last blog post, SOMEONE (an anonymous commenter) asked me the following:

Random question...are you part Asian?

Your pictures look like you might be and with the names of your dogs I thought I'd ask!

NOW: I have my theories as to who this "anonymous commenter" was. First of all, I have never shown my real face on the blog. Why does this make you think I'm Asian? Was it the Mermaid Locks? Usually one can see Asian-ness in the eye area, and I haven't shown this. So riddle me this, "anonymous blogger", had my dog been named "Bratwurst" or "Weinerschnitzel" would you think I was German? Austrian? What if I just like Japanese names? I'm not pissed, in fact I find this hysterical. But to answer your question, no, I'm not Asian. But thanks for asking. Sushi and Shinko are just fun to say and the actual breed of dog (shih-tzu) IS ASIAN. So yes, MY DOG IS ASIAN. 

Next issue:
MY DOG IS NOT ONLY ASIAN, BUT SHE IS A CAT. Yeah. You read that right. And I have proof. First of all, she licks her paws like a cat, she is also sneaky like a NINJA, and very...catlike in general. She is also OBSESSED with cats, and cats are OBSESSED with her. Here's the proof. I look up from paper writing and I see this:

DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK THIS IS EFFING WEIRD? Do you see the BRIGHT LIGHTS coming from the cat's eyes??? It's JEDI MIND TRICKING MY POOR NUGGET OF LOVE. They are literally making love through their eyes. I'm pretty sure that's ILLEGAL. They sat like that for LIT-RILLY 10 MINUTES. TEN WHOLE MINUTES MAKING EYE LOVE. 

In other nooz...there is no other news, other than HAPPY CINCO DE MARGARITAS  MAYO. 



Monday, May 3, 2010

WillYooMaryMii and Some other Cray Cray Bits...

K so I've recently been assigned a LOAD of non-fun-ness at work, basically lots of numbers and letters and combinations of letters and numbers, and I have the math skills of a 3 year old with severe ADHD and Dyslexia. Yeah. That bad. 

Ask my friends and my college math professor. I took "football player math" at Vanderbilt...twice. Yeah. I was supposed to be the "shining star" and turns out the dudes with like 2 brain cells left did better than I did....maybe it was also combined with the fact that it was at 8AM, my FIRST SEMESTER, my boyfriend was in the class, and he skipped too (I'm basically saying it was his fault...bad influence...he was older), and I'm NOT a morning person, especially when there are parties to be had.....I DIGRESSIONATE.

My co-worker sent me a website where you can buy the same engagement ring that Edward gives Bella. WHAT.THE.PFEFFERNUSSE. 

you can buy the ring HERE. Not that you'd want would? ew.

I mean I'm all in love with vamps and sparkly hot (I guess in real life they'd be cold, but whatev) men and what not, but COME ON. When you're 90 and looking at this ring, you might think differently. PLUS, it's not really pretty. Nor does it look like a real live engagement ring. It looks like something you could buy at FOREVER21 for $5.80 (I heart forever21, but it's not where I want my engagement ring from...obvi). So, they also give you options. You can have the CHEAP version, the MEDIUM CHEAP version, and the REAL version. Who the EFF is going to know? I honestly think its creep-tastic. Thoughts???

Other Cray Cray Bits for you:

I have three term papers left to write then I AM DONE-ZO. 

My professor used the word "TROLL" in class the other day and I lit-rilly almost had to walk out because I was about to go all loosey goosey and crack up. 

CARISSA and I collaborated and created the word "DOUCHENGOYLE" to describe a stupid dude. It is a combination of "douche canoe" and "gargoyle". Use it. Love it. Spread it. Like BUTTAH. 

I decided what I'm going to name my next dog. Actually, I might get one soon. You all know how my precious baby love nugget is currently named Sushi, and I'm getting her a sister (I think/hope) and naming her Shinko. It's a japanese name for a girl, and also a type of Sushi. You're jealous.  I've accidentally been calling Sushi "Shinko" and she's all "bitch get my name right"...

Allright, I have a confesh. 
I'm secretly (not so secretly anymore) OBSESSED with the song "Red Blooded Woman" by Kylie Minogue. JUDGE ME. Then listen to it and TRY TO JUDGE ME. Miley and Britney of course remain in first place forever. Obvi. Who do you think I am?