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So I finish my hell week at school/work and I'm so stoked to party and celebrate, but NOOOOOO, my effing immune system decided to shut down. So, I will probably not remember what this post says since I'm fairly certain there's a rabid wolverine clawing around my face, ripping out my eardrums, and shoving it's razorsharp claw down my throat and up my schnoz. I have a nasty. NASTY. bitch of a cold. And it hates me. And I hate it. It's war.
I'm a sick monster. My hair hurts.
I'm one of those people with a high pain tolerance, but when I get sick, I turn into a huge HUGE baby. I'm all, "I want my mom, wait no, I want juice, wait, no, I want sorbet for my throat, wait, no, I want tea, somebody pet my head, wait no, my hair hurts, wait, no, so do my eyelashes, wait no, someone snuggle me, I swear I'm not contagious, wait, no, you're getting too close, stop breathing on me, wait, no, come back, don't leave me alone, wait, no, bring me some ginger ale, wait, no, make sure it's DIET!" GET THE PICTURE??? I'M A HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS!So I've been writhing and moaning in my bed, watching Gossip Girl, listening to crybaby music and feeling sorry for myself, and going through Puffs Kleenex with lotion AND Vicks, and chugging juice and taking herbal supplements like crazy. I wouldn't be surprised if I sprouted roots. If I'm not better by this weekend, I will HURT someone. Srsly.
So, since I'm alllll kinds of cracked out, here's some stuff for your eyeballs.
Exhibit A: This is something my bestest besticle beefer sent me today, and something that I KNOW my kid will totally do someday, and I will give them A HIGH FIVE. Because it's awesome.
"another student made the comment 'you need to push it in further' (innocent comment) and Dalton added 'that's what she said".....WHATEVER, THE KID THAT SAID "YOU NEED TO PUSH IT IN FURTHER" WAS TOTES ASKING FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Random Fact:
I have never peed in my pants. Not even a little bit. I'm kind of pissed off (no pun intended) that this hasn't happened to me. I mean, I've fallen in sewers, been driven home in a tourbus at 3 am, and plenty of other awful/awesome stuff, but have NEVER peed in my pants. So I'm kind of lying every time I say "hoe em gee I just peed myself laughing so hard' because I NEVER HAVE. And I'm sad about that a little. Is that weird? Is it the drugz talking? MAYBE. Have you ever tinkled in your pantalones???? SPILL. not literally. but srsly. SPILL.
Jules Bear's waaaah-waaaah, cry me a river I'm sick and feeling pitiful playlist:
" I Can Feel A Hot One" Manchester Orchestra
"The Ice Is Getting Thinner" Death Cab For Cutie
"Pretty Boy Floyd" Kid Loco
"Velvet" The Big Pink
"Botan" Peder
You;re hilarious!
ReplyDeleteand dude i have a nasty bitch cold too... ugh, whats with her?
Pahaha, that's one funny kid!
ReplyDeleteConfession: I have peed a little. But I had 2 kids back to back. The pelvic floor muscles ain't what they used to be. Sad.
Feel better, lady! :)
I'm fighting a little head congestion myself. Feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteOkay, yesterday, I was rushing to leave work, and I REALLY had to pee, but I was still shutting everything down and hadn't had a chance to go yet, but then I had to sneeze. And apparently your muscles get weaker as you age, so there was dribble. Fortunately it was the end of the day and it was nothing that a bit of TP in the undies couldn't solve.
Hey - I'm REALLY good at playing nursemaid to sick boys. I kinda get off on it. Like I'm really a nurse or something. Want me to come over?
Haha I've seen that thing before - hilarious. I want to party with that kid.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're sick. I was sick all last week so I feel your pain. And Rory's been sick too! She's on antibiotics because she vet said she definitely has a widdle cold. My poor nugget.
And I HAVE peed my pants and trust me, it's not something you want to do. The last time this happened I was EIGHT years old. That's right. EIGHT. And well potty-trained by that time. What happened, you ask? In a nutshell, when you gotta go, you gotta go! Haha.
Get well soon!
Hope you get to feeling better!! I had the same nasty bitch cold a couple of weeks ago... I feel for ya. :/
ReplyDeleteThat's what she said NEVER GETS OLD! I would totally high-five my kid too.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've had two kids without the aid of a celebrity c-section so you can bet your ass I've peed my pants a few times.
Ughhhhh I hope you feel better! I had the same bitch of a cold last week. I rec theraflu if you can drink it without vomiting.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel so much better by tomorrow!! But seriously, lets skip to the more important part of this.. YOUVE NEVER PEED YOUR PANTIES? gosh. Maybe we aren't soul twins afterall. I've peed my panties more than id like to admit. I even peed them a little yesterday bc my new house doesn't have a bathroom downstairs and i was holding it until the last possible moment and it right when i saw the toilet i thought "release." No we can still be soul twins. I'm just the disgusting one. :(
ReplyDeleteI peed myself once. I was only seven, but it WAS on the street and I was wearing tights, so I peed through my knickers AND my tights. Luckily I was nearly home and I don't think anyone saw it...
ReplyDeleteToo much info? Well, it IS TMI Thursday and I didn't do a TMI post this week so instead you got it on your blog!
You're welcome!
you're amazing! can we be friends? HAHAHA
ReplyDeleteim so sorry you're sick! :( hope you feel better SOON!
and i dont think ive ever peed in my pants. lol...maybe when i was little. haha
My mom told me I peed my pants when I was watching a movie in the theater because I didn't want my movie to get interrupted. I think it was E.T.
ReplyDelete