Last Winter, right before Christmas, some of my besties from Vandy and some of their male companions (I was single and ready to Vegas style mingle) went to Vegas for a weekend. I had never been, and my first experience was ree-dick-you-lus...ty. We had an amazing suite at the Palazzo (part of the Venetian) and partied our panties off. After almost suffering a heart attack the first night at the Palms, we partied in TAO, the amazing club in the Venetian where girls sit naked in bathtubs with flower petals pasted on their boobies, and they dance...in bathtubs...and half naked girls hump each other on beds...it was awkward/amazing at the same time. We also attended Jamie Foxx's birthday party with the likes of P.Diddy/Puff Daddy/whatever the hell he calls himself nowadays.
I need to tell you how I almost had a heart attack. I'm terrified of heights. TERRIFIED. I get vertigo, and feel the need to pass out. So, after drinking a lot, we went onto the balcony to shake it. I was happily staying away from the edge of the balcony (which is clear glass....um scary) and then I looked down. And almost died. This is what I could see. But it was night. And I had been drinking. And everything in Vegas is lit up so you feel like you're on some weird acid trip.
SO, that's how I almost had a meltdown at the Palms. I sprinted indoors in my stilettos, never to return to that godforsaken balcony again. The end.
Now onto the Stripper 101 story. My friend's boyfriend had arranged for us to take Stripper 101 at the Hard Rock Hotel. The class included a free cocktail (fist pump) and an individual and group photo. I have since incinerated said photos, and my BFFL from Vandy and Stripper 101 classmate ALP has the group photo...that's why I'm still nice to her...so she won't blackmail me with this pic (Just kidding troll, you know I love you forever). Basically, we all put on workout clothes, and I was POSITIVE that I was going to know more than our Stripper Instructor. Don't ask me why I think I'd be better, it's just that I'm kind of competitive and figured...how hard can grinding up on a pole really be??
So into Stripper 101 we go...Sufficiently cocktailed, we made our way into the studio, where flash photography is prohibited, and then we had to Clorox bleach wipe our poles down. EW. EW. EW. I was so grossed out by realizing that I had a USED pole. Blech...luckily vodka was coursing through my veins and I cleaned off my pole. Then..our teacher came in. She was RIPPED. I'm talkin' six pack, buff arms, and legs that were just plain ridic. She then tells us how she's an ex "dancer" and how she's had THREE KIDS. THREE KIDS. with a body like that. I hated her already. A lot.
So first on the lineup was the lap dance. Ok, seriously, who needs to learn how to do a lap dance?? Doesn't every woman already know how!?!?! I found this boring....but secretly fun, except there was something missing from the chair I was dancing on. Our stripper was using the weirdest metaphors for intimate body parts. EX: "Tease him, don't rub your COOKIE on his PIÑATA quite yet...make him wait." Cookie?? Piñata?? double you- tee-eff lady. Either you're spending too much time around your kids or your husband has some weird requests.
Then we got to try our pole skills. Um. Ouch? I was able to get on the pole, swirl around, and do some other tricks, but DEAR LORD, I looked like I had been the victim of a brawl afterwards. I was COVERED in random bruises and bumps for days! And all I had to wear in Vegas were minidresses and skirts! So I walked around looking fierce with bruises...Anywho, at the end of the class, our stripper told us to pose for a group pic, since there were five of us in our little girl group. We all posed seductively around the pole and look like a bunch of drunk skanks. Not my proudest moment. Again, I will have to maintain friendship with ALP in order to ensure this pic never makes it way to the public, especially when I'm famous (ALP, I heart you...burn the pic already).
So that's where my career as a stripper began...and promptly ended. We also got "authentic" stripper license, with our stripper names written on them . My stripper name is "Daisie" and yes of course I still carry the card in my wallet, and sometimes after too many cocktails I pull it out and show it to everyone (that's what she said).
Stripper teacher spelled my name wrong. It's DAISIE. It's classier that way.
So, all in all, Vegas was awesome, ALP and I had some hysterical after hours adventures involving Joaquin Phoenix look alikes, "mercenaries", and witnessing a guy in our group hire a hooker, go into a room with her, come out five minutes later, only to say "That just cost me 105 dollars. " I'd say that was a successful Vegas trip. I can't wait to go back. As for Stripper 101, don't do it if you're planning on exposing your legs/arms. I'm flexible and in decent shape and I STILL came out looking like I'd been beaten up.
Happy Hump Day!