Thursday, December 17, 2009

Future Christmas Plans:

Okay guys, it's time to put the petal to the metal here. I have 1.5 pages left to write before I turn in this GD paper, and let me tell ya, I've NEVER been so ADD/cracked out in my LIFE. SO, in order to motivate myself to finish this whale of a paper, I'm going to blog. Yeah I know, procrastination to the MAX, don't call it irresponsible, call it....creative pressure. 


I just needed to tell you my brilliant/genius/imaginative plan. So I've been reading all your lovely blogs, and a lot of you seem to worry/have problems with the kiddies finding out about Santa Claus (you know....the truth...that he's really not real). I remember when I found out that Sinter Klaas wasn't real. This bitch in first grade spoiled it for me, and let me tell you, I've never forgiven her. I had to play along with my parents that I still believed in Santa, and I felt so terrible letting them believe that I believed. UGH. That girl ruined it. RUINED.IT.


SO, in an effort to plan ahead and make sure that my kids don't find out about Santa prematurely, I have some plans. It's more like a schematic...plus I like that word. Go with it.


1. My husband will be dressing up as Santa whenever he puts gifts under the tree at night, just in case. My husband will not be fat,so he will have to stuff his belly, put on the beard, the whole 9 yards, otherwise I will withhold the goods. Yeah I'm on a mission here. 
2. We will have Santa Claus TYPE his thank you notes so the kids can't do handwriting analysis...kids these days are so damn curious, typing is the way to go on this one. 
3. The kids will be drinking "special hot chocolate" before they go to bed on Christmas Eve. by "special", I mean it will be dosed with this:




you may call this drugging my children. i call it protecting their innocence. i go to great lengths in the name of youthful happiness. 


So, feel free to take some of my advice, don't call CPS because I don't even HAVE kids yet, I'm just trying to help you out, jeeze. With that, I leave you with a little gem of a joke:



It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."



Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."



Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."


Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.


Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."


Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tch%s would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?


BAHAHA. That is all. I'm finishing this paper NOW. Any stories on how kids found out the ugly Santa truth?? I want to hear .

7 comments:

  1. looks like if my kiddos come home from aunt julie's a little sluggish, i know what happened and whose idea it was.

    morgan used to get lots of special hot cocoa, but that's because the poor girl's allergic to flavored lip glosses and her lips kept swelling up like a bad injection job.

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  2. My parents were lucky I was a dumb child.

    Perhaps more like stubbornly ignorant;
    In second grade, snobby-pants Aaron Smith told me there's no such thing as Santa. He said that my parents are the culprits. I poo-pood Aaron, and still believed in his existence.

    The next year, while mischievously rummaging through my dad's drawer of miscellanea, I discovered all the gifts and letters I left out for Santa/Tooth Fairy/Easter Bunny throughout the years. I angrily confronted my dad and demanded the reason of why he stole the articles. He said it was a mistake and apologized. It took me a long time to forgive dad.

    - Despite the clear evidence, I still believed in their existence.

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  3. I actually write the Santa note for my boys with my opposite hand so the writing all sloppy and such. So far it's thrown them off the trail. And I might be tempted to use the sedative for myself.

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  4. Hiiio! thanks for your sweet words, your blog is always on top!

    The fashionart blog,
    @ MaisonChaplin.blogspot.com

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  5. Dude. I am STILL so bitter about finding out in second grade. I will preserve my little dude's belief as long as possible!!

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