Thursday, May 27, 2010

Just When I Was Sure It Couldn't Get Worse....

I don't know about you guys, but Houston has a little problem. I refer to it as the attack of the douchengoyles. (Thank you Carissa). You're all like, huh? Ok, so the douchengoyle: a definition...


  • Wears more hair gel than I have ever applied to my head, INCLUDING 4th grade dance recitals. 
  • Wears more rhinestones than a Judith Leiber clutch.
  • Makes less money than I do and acts like he's BFF with P.Diddy and the Donald. 
  • Drinks shots of Patron and lots of Jager Bombs, probably only drinks "Michelob Ultra" too. 
  • WEARS ED HARDY. I don't think you understand how much I hate Ed Hardy. Monday, when I was watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, I almost jumped through the television and RIPPED OFF poor Jacqueline's little baby boy's outfit because she has him on the fast track to douchengoyle-dom, and NO I don't care that it's Jersey, it's just NOT OK. I HATE ED HARDY. WHAT'S THE POINT? 
  • Honestly. What is the point? It costs more than a nice, sensible, and very sexy simple Polo or Lacoste shirt, and HAS GLITTERY SHIT AND DAGGERS AND LIONS AND TIGERS AND ROSES ON IT. It's like Lisa Frank took acid and went apeshit and sold her designs to this Christian Audigier character. (No disrespect Lisa...you made my elementary school days SO much brighter, sparklier, unicornier, and ponier)
but then she took acid and made Ed Hardy his millions.

AND NOW, I HAVE BEEN MADE PAINFULLY AWARE THAT MR. AUDIGIER HIMSELF has released THESE. Read the full article HERE. This is some really REALLY BAD NOOZ.


EXCUSE ME, BUT I DO NOT WANT A MENTAL IMAGE OF DOUCHENGOYLES BONING DOUCHEN-GOYLE-ETTES, or SLORES as I like to refer to trashbag women. I swear, you should see some of the people here. It's like they live underground during the day in the sewers, and then at night, they crawl out all slimy and glittery and sparkly in their nasty sparkly gear. GROSS. AT LEAST THESE WILL PREVENT THEM FROM PROCREATING. Ugh. 


Moving on. Wish my male beefer happy travels on his way to visit my beefiestbeefer, and hopefully they don't have to call me for advice on where to find one of these "Monsieur Bond" gems. Oy vey. LOVE YOU GUYS. 
bahahahah

peaveloveandedhardysucks,
lovelovelove, 

9 comments:

  1. Confession: I jumped on the ed hardy train YEARS before it hit middle America. I bought a zipup sweatshirt in NYC back in 2007 (and I swear, it was a more 'tame' design). I love it because nobody in middle-America wore anything like it...
    and then ed hardy exploded into Texas/Oklahoma and I hid my sweatshirt in the back of my closet. End of story.
    OH! And I've NEVER EVER agreed with men wearing ed hardy. Surely that saves me a little, right?

    ReplyDelete
  2. **that is supposed to read "I LOVED it because nobody in middle-America wore anything like it..."
    PAST TENSE. PAAAASSSST TENSE.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my gosh I so loved Lisa Frank and I had that exact folder plus a thousand more.

    Only Douchenghoyles would purchase such products. Regular old douche bags, they stop at 30,000 dollar millionare, the douchengoyles go the whole extra mile and purchase condoms, wallets, and lighters all with those gay ass sparkly designs on them. Not to diss on the gays, i love them but even most of them know better to stay away from ed hardy.

    Also, i think we should enter Douchengoyle into urban dictionary so that everyone in the world can be aware of the warning signs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hahah, Dallas is the SAME way!! It's gross! But I love the term Douchengoyle. That just made my day!

    ReplyDelete
  5. All you had to say was "Ed Hardy", it seriously makes my skin crawl. But Lisa Frank was the shit. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree with Gabby. Ed Hardy makes me want to vom. Did you know he has liquor and wine? What a douche. And I miss Lisa Frank! I always loved the neon pandas and lil baby leopards. I bet that bitch made millions.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Guess Houston hasn't changed much since I left it. HA!

    ReplyDelete
  8. newcomer to the blog. meant to find your address to return what seems to me a very important book of yours i still have at my parents house. tell b pride i said what up if you ever see him. i think ill just get that book to him and let him deliver. hope all is well and i wish you the best.

    Edward.........really i get edward well i guess that means you get the last laugh(well deserved)

    hope you are enjoying the cup! Peace

    ReplyDelete

Leave Some Love...