Reason #934875398 Why I'm Regina George, but it's ok because it cancels out...

K, so member how I told you I'm pretty much Regina George's twin but not blonde? So I had another Regina moment in class yesterday. There I was, minding my own business, when a classmate started flipping out about the class computer not working and she had to present. So, me being a good person volunteered my laptop for her to use in class. (This was more of a Cady Heron sweet innocent moment, not Regina)...

This was a BIG sacrifice, because I fully intended on using these class hours to read your blogs and play catch up. Fast forward to the end of class, where I get my laptop back and am happily blogging away. I look over. Girl who borrowed my laptop pulls a bottle of "Lubriderm" intensive healing lotion out of her backpack. NO big. I figure she's a fan of moisturizing...in class..weird but not superweird. THEN I SAW IT. She was rubbing lotion on a HUGE HUGE BUMPY RED RASH ON HER HANDS AND ARMS. THE SAME HANDS AND ARMS THAT WERE JUST TOUCHING MY LAPTOP. WHAT THE EFFING EFF.

It was taking EVERYTHING inside of me not to yak, cry, and start flailing my arms hysterically and screaming "OH SICK, OH THIS IS EFFING SICK, HOE EM EFFING GEE NOW I'M GOING TO CATCH EBOLA OR WHATEVER AVIAN FLU GERMS THIS TRICK JUST INFECTED ONTO MY LAPTOP, WHERE IS THE PURELL??! I NEED A GAS MASK. HOE EM GEE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, WHAT IF THIS IS FLESH EATING BACTERIA!!!!!!!". I frantically paw through my bag looking for my germ gel, empty half of it onto my hands and arms, all while MAJORLY staring and stink eye-ing rash girl, and then shut my computer off, closed it and PRAYED that my germ gel would kill the rash bugs DEAD. I'm HIGHLY considering taking some foot cream to her next week and saying "this really helps rashes"...or maybe some super strong acid that will burn flesh off...because no one messes with my skin. NO ONE. DOUBLE YOU TEA EFF SKIN RASHES.

MOVING ON. 

My Regina George-ness was later cancelled out by the fact that I am a super human animal whisperer/PETA should hire me to be the animal ambassador or something like that. K so here's the lowdown. I was running yesterday, and I run on this like nature trail thing. It's rillly pretty and relaxing and awesome. So, I'm finishing up my run, when lo and behold, I see a moving object in the grass right by my foot. What was it!? It was this. 

CUTEST MINI-BUNNY IN.THE.WORLD.EVER.SRSLY.EVERRRRR.

Hold the phone. This is THE CUTEST thing I have EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. So what does Jules-Bear AKA expert animal whisperer do?! I squat on the trail, and whisper to bunny. Bunny DID NOT run away, bunny hopped over to my feet, looked up at me, nibbled some clover, and we spoke bunny LOVE to each other for like ten minutes. I'm serious. People kept stopping, thinking I was hurt or dying of a cramp, only to notice my expertise in animal whispering and would gasp in amazement that bun-bun was hanging out with me, not scared AT ALL. I was so so so pissed that I don't run with my phone, and I SERIOUSLY considered putting bun-bun in my shirt and taking it home, but I remembered that bunnies have heart attacks really easily and I DID NOT want bad animal karma and bunny blood on my hands. So, me and bun-bun parted ways, and I finished my run. CAN I GET A WITNESS!? THE END. But see how my animal kindness cancels out my Regina-ness? It totes does. 

until tomorrow,  peacelove&tinybunnies&prayingidon'thaveebola/avianflu/flesheatingbacteria

lovelovelove, 

Operation Mermaid Locks = SUCCESS.

Lovahs!

I went to get my hair did last night and it was a GREAT SUCCESS. Mermaid Locks are intact and I'm sure all your locklove was manifested in the scissors that the lady used. I wanted to test a theory of mine, so I told her to shampoo, cut, and leave it be. So, she washed, snipped, put some BioSilk in it, and then I let it air dry. This is my new "wash&wear" look! I lurve it! So easy peasy!

No, I don't really have pink blocks on my face. I'm still nervie to reveal my face. Deal. Oh and PLEASE excuse the PALENESS. IT'S DISTURBING.

Moving ON. 

Yesterday, I was minding my own beeswax, walking along the sidewalk to go make some copies, and there was this posse of people on the sidewalk holding up signs saying "free compliments"....So, as I walked by, this chick shouts "I like your sunglasses!" And I'm all weirded out. Because LIT-RILLY everyone that walked by got "complimented", which TO ME defeats the whole purpose. I don't dish out compliments unless I mean them And who's to say if that person REALLY liked my wayfarers? She HAD to compliment me. I say weird and unnecessary.  Maybe. But that's me. At least it wasn't the Jehovah's witnesses who hand out Bibles on the daily. I always feel like a huge a-hole and tell them "No thanks! I already got one!" Plus I think it's a royal waste of paper. CAN I GET A WITNESS!?

In other news. I'm now obsessed with "Friday Night Lights" and I am really pissed off because I think I have also developed a crush on Taylor Kitsch/Tim Riggins AND a crush on Coach Taylor. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. Help. Because I also think I have a crush on Chuck Bass. 

I'm thinking me and Riggins will work out best, because I'm not a homewrecker, and Chuck is a little young for me. Basically. Oh and Friday Night Lights is filmed in ATX, and I have been to a LOT of the places they film and so then we'd have a lot in common. True Story. Even though he's Canadian but whatever. 

So, I'm starting spring break tonight! And I have a BIG DAY tomorrow! I'll let y'all know what it is after the fact! Have an amazing day! My inner Chihuahua is leaping for joy today since it's FINALLY WARM AND SUNNY!!

peacelovemermaidlocksandcuteboys, 

lovelovelove, 

Dodo Birds and Smiling Cats...

Hoe Em Gee, I'm back! I fell of the edge of the world for a spell, thanks to my faulty immune system and a little too much school and work. BUT I'm back and ready to rock!

So am I weird because I forgot to watch the Oscar's? Yes. But it gives me something to research when I'm bored today. Is it weird that instead of watching the Oscar's I went to see Alice In Wonderland? Hell to the no, because AIW was/is one of my favorite books of all time, and AIW is my favorite Disney movie EVAH, with The Little Merm coming in at second place. Since I've never really been the type to do hallucinogenic drugs, AIW takes me to a place that opium/LSD/acid/shrooms could potentially take me, and without the hangover! Curiouser and curiouser!

Moving on. I went to see Tyrone Wells Friday night with a bag-full of tissues for my nasty cold, and he was A-MAZING. Srsly. I'm slightly pissed he's married, but whatevs. Tony Lucca opened for him, and lo and behold I have another musical crush. He's rah-some. What an amazing show, PLUS he played alllll the songs I wanted to hear, so permasmile was ON, despite the sniffles and face pain (sinus infection..blech)

K, so my face still hurts a little. But that doesn't mean I can't give you some GREEK salad today. I will not name any specific names or houses, so peeps don't get offended or what not. 

• A certain SOMEONE (me) was blacklisted from a certain house because a certain SOMEONE (me) made out with an upperclassman's boyfriend. In a certain SOMEONE'S  defense (mine), I didn't know he had a girlfriend PLUS he was a senior, and the prez of his frat, and SMOKIN' hot. How was I going to say no to that? It was worth the stink eye she gave me for a year. Plus he still called me for three years after. Who's the boss now?
• Certain houses would put the "ugly" or "fat" girls on "kitchen duty" during rush. True story. 
• A certain house had a "troll patrol" committee where "troll-ish" girls were weeded out. There may or may not even have been a "troll patrol" water gun that was passed on to new crops of "troll patrol" committees. 
• Certain houses labeled girls that got into the house one year, but turned out to totally suck "crackslippers". Meaning they somehow snuck past "troll patrol" or were legacies that we couldn't get rid of no matter how hard they tried to dig dirt up. 
• Certain houses had to text message names of freshman girls to the rush chair while out and about partying to rank/judge them as they met them, and to keep notes/tabs. Ex: Upperclassman meets "Skanky McSkankerson" at a tailgate. Upperclassman text messages the rush chair (usually not sober) "Hoe Em Gee, just met a frosh named 'Skanky McSkankerson'... she's pretty, but WAY-sted and her dress flew up at the tailgate and I saw her flirt with someone's bf". 

And there you have it. S-E-C- sorostitution at its best. Amazing. Because no one does it better than the S-E-C. No one. 

This weekend, I was at a crawfish boil with some amigos, and I spotted with my eagle eye vision a guy I had gone on a mizmiz date with several months ago. Our parting words on the date were, 

Him: "So when can I see you again?"

Me: "Uhh...well...I'm gonna be out of town for the next 4 weekends, and I stay pretty busy...soo...I'll call you?" (funny sidenote...I ran into him two weeks later...oopsies)

So, needless to say, I pretended I didn't know who he was, despite the fact that he was CIRCLING my group of friend for 2 HOURS. Ughh. Can I Get A Witness?

Now be on your merry way and listen to some Santigold and Sparklehorse while you're at it. 

peaceloveandcheshirecats, 

lovelovelove, 

Jules.

The White Powder Mystery....

Lovahs,

I have my LAST MIDTERM OF LIFE in 3 hours. So I'm cramming....and blogging. This will be my last post till Sunday or so (don't cry, I'll be back in FULL hurricane force next week!) I will be working a tent at the HOUSTON LIVESTOCK SHOW AND RODEO, which is a pretty big deal here in H-town. While you're missing me, I'd like you to help me solve this mystery. We'll call it "The Mystery of the White Powder in the Ladies Room In Jules Bear's Office"....

So. The ladies' room in our building has three stalls. We share the restroom with one other floor. You with me? K good. SO, somehow, someway, always in the afternoon, I find a sprinkling of WHITE POWDER on the toilet seat of the very far right stall. Umm....?????. Is someone hitting the slopes at lunchtime for a quick drug induced pick-me-up? Is it baby powder? Is a baby using the toilet? Is someone sprinkling their lady parts with baby powder? Is it rat poison? WHAT IS IT?! Help. Please. I need to know if a Colombian drug cartel is going to invade my office, so I can be prepared with sling-blades, nun-chucks, and any other necessary items, including my invisibility cloak. Can I Get A Witness?!

Like this. but on the toilet seat. HELP!!!

Now. Since I don't have much time for stories. I will show you some pictures. It's my day for show and tell. 

EXHIBIT A:

This is what I drink my tea out of every morning. It's really really big, you can't really tell. But it keeps my tea hot. Oh what's that? It's got a pic of my boyfriend on it? Oh yeah, no big deal....I mean I know most people don't have pics of their boyfriend on their tea cups, but he's not a "normal boyfriend". Sometimes I am sipping my tea and I look over and people are giving me the side eye because they're probz jealous of my boyfriend tea cup. Aren't you?

EXHIBIT B:

Last night. I was studying for my midterm. I got a wee bit ADD....And remember that song I told you to listen to??? "Shark In The Water" by VV Brown? Well I'm obsessed. And I'm also OBSESSED with the new Robin Thicke album "Sex Therapy" jumphopskip over to www.lala.com  and listen to it for free NOW. ESPECIALLY the song "It's in the Mornin'" I have been listening to these two songs on repeat for 2 days now. GO. NOW. You'll thank me and want to kiss me on the face. 

Now I must return to crammage for this exam, then I'm off to be my little cowgirl self. (Wow, can you tell I'm cracked out....!?) So, yee-haw and I'll be back soon!

peacelove&cowboyboots.

lovelovelove, 

Jules.

PREPARE TO BE OBSESSIONATED.

Double You Tea Eff Wednesday and a Greek Morsel

I've been bad at Double You Tea Eff Wednesday. Sooo, here ya go!

• It "slushed" in Houston yesterday. Not snow. Not rain. Slush. And the only Slush that I like involves Tequila, Lime Juice, Salt, and is green: all other Slush is evil. Especially when it falls from the sky onto my head. WTF Weather!?!
• I went to the bathroom to wash my hands (because I'm convinced the entire campus of my university is germ-infested) and someone was in the stall GRUNTING, CLEARLY CONSTIPATED and taking a very.very. noisy poodle. I didn't know whether to yak, burst into tears,  burst into laughter or a random combination of the three. AND she had her backpack on the ground of the stall which is DIR.TY. WTF ultimate disgustingness!? Take your toilet issues elsewhere honey. And go ahead and toss that backpack. 

And now for a mini sorority story. 

One time, during rush, this girl's family sent us a HUGE sheet cake with her name on it, so we wouldn't forget to put her on our bid list.(Super creepy.) Clearly her family was trying to sabotage our waistlines and give us muffin tops, so guess what?! CUT. (Just kidding...but she didn't end up being in our sorority. Lord know what else they might have sent? Kalteen bars!? If you can name the movie that's from I will kiss you on the face.) This is just an example of how crazy certain moms/families can get when they want their daughter in a certain house. TOTALLY.CRAY.CRAY.

The cake was literally 2 feet long. I kid you NOT. And it was conveniently in our sorority colors, complete with our sorority flower as decoration. Can you say CRAY CRAY?!

PEE.ESS. I was walking into the office this morning, and I'm not pulling your leg when I tell you that an adorable squirrel was standing at the doors, trying to get in. He was so freaking cute! He stood there, looked at me like "Umm...this is where you open up and let me in" and I was all "awww, you wanna go inside sweet baby!?!?" And then I looked and there was someone behind me who heard me. I think I turned purple. But I'm an animal whisperer, so I whispered the squirrel away. Poor thing was probz freezing its bushy little tail off. Now someone in my building will see me as the "crazy chick who talks to squirrels" and I don't care. CAN I GET A WITNESS?!

lovelovelove, 

Jules.

Dear Climate,

Dear Weather Patterns in Houston, TX, 

Was it something I said? Did you see too much of my skin last summer? Did I get too clingy? Did you not like my fierce new bandeau top for minimal tan lines? Was it the hours and hours I spent lying on a towel blaring music? Was it the handle of sweet tea vodka I shared with friends under you? Or are you being the typical "look I really like you, like a lot, but I just don't know if I can handle something so serious right now?" (Even though that's secretly how I am too...) I don't understand what you're doing. Quit playing games. You know I don't like playing games (unless they involve flip cup, beer pong, circle of death or one, two, three DRINK!) 

Me and Lilo are poolside BFF's and we NEED OUR SUNSHINE.

I'm going to be real with you. I CAN'T live without you any longer. My inner chihuahua is slowly dying and withering away, and my skin is now entering PHASE 2 of plant death (that's really really bad). Kiehl's ultra moisturizer isn't even cutting it anymore. I need some tan. I need that "glow". Because without you, I don't look the same. And then the Volturi will be on my ass and I just don't need that! Do you understand me? I'm SO OVER sparkly diamond pale skin!!!!

that is true, except I'm the captain of the super pale team...NOT OK. Whoever said "pale is in" is engaging in a BOLD FACED LIE.

I need you to pull me out of this "funk". I just found out I can't go to COACHELLA (inner sob) and the next two weeks are going to be pure, unadulterated HELL ON EARTH (no, not KELL on earth, because that would be AMAZING). If you don't give me that "glow" soon, I'll never get out of my animal print pj's....I'll never rock the cute side braid with my cute tan. I'll never wear a flowy maxi dress. I need you to help me get ready for JAZZFEST in NEW ORLEANS because I found out that I CAN go to that. So I guess God closed one door, and opened a big-ass window for me. But for the love of my epidermis and my mental stability, PLEASE GET HOT AND SUNNY so I can return to my normal half-chihuahua self. I'm on my knees here. (That's what she said.....)

I am a pale chihuahua, and I am shy because of my pale-ness. HELP!

Musique Du Jour:

The self-titled album by "The Magic Numbers"

"Your Smile" Josh Turner

The album "The Golden Archipelago" by Shearwater

"Madly" Tristan Pettyman

PEE ESS: The WORST DATE EVER text messaged me and asked me out AGAIN. Is this a JOKE? He said "I promise I'll behave." THIS IS A JOKE. ASHTON, I'M NOT KIDDING, JUST GET THE CAMERAS OUT NOW. I'M DONE BEING PUNK'D HERE. For srs. CAN I GET A WITNESS?!

I'm Kind of a Genius....

Hola Amigos y Amigas, 

I'm like the poster child for ADD/ADHD today, since all I care about is going home and packing for Mardi Gras. Thanks to many of you, especially my girl over at Cake Called, I Answered, I now am FULLY prepared to face Mardi Gras and survive without losing anything but a little dignity perhaps. (Don't worry, there will be NO chesticle exposure from this girl, I like to keep it classy...) SO, I have devised a GENIUS plan. Firstly, I have threatened all parties in our group with death by dumping them in the swamp with gators if they let me get abducted by clown clans (say that 5 times fast...clown clan...) AND THEN, my genius, fail proof plan was hatched. SO, to ensure that I don't get lost/abducted/kidnapped/sucked up into a UFO by aliens, I will be suggesting that we use some of THESE babies. 

Is this not a brilliant idea???? C'mon. It's BRILLIANT.

1. Our protectors will be able to drag me wherever they want, and can steer me in any direction they deem safe/more fun. 

2. I can hold my wallet, phone, camera and lip gloss on my BACK and have BOTH hands free for my DRANK. PLUS the person steering/pulling me will have a bird's eye view of my treasure trove so no one will try to pick-pocket me. Or is it pick monkey?

3. It's pretty freakin' adorable. Maybe I can give my monkey some beads too...again. genius.

OK so, I'm thinking this will ensure maximum fun and safety, no? Gosh I surprise myself sometimes....

HOWEVER, I will once again threaten my care-takers with instant alligator swamp death if they pull THIS MOVE. Watch this video, you will die laughing slash want this mother slapped. This will NOT be happening. I will be merrily prancing down the streets of NOLA carefree and safe, with a safety monkey on my back!

cray cray. 

PEE ESS. Member when I was creeped out that the guy from Verizon emailed me all creepily? WELL HE DID IT AGAIN YESTERDAY. This is a joke. CAN I GET A WITNESS!?

I'ma Let You Finish...But....

Friends and Lovers, Lovers and Friends. 

For those of you who know me, you know I don't blog about my relationships/dating/personal deets. It's the way I roll, K? HOWEVER. I felt the need to share this particular gem with you. Basically, I'm going to tell you about the worst date. EVER. I know you've all probably been on one or two weird/awkward dates, but I'm going to pull a Kanye and say "I'ma let you finish...but....I HAVE BEEN ON THE WORST DATE IN HISTORY." Here goes. I will not disclose his name, therefore I will refer to him as "Disaster".

• Disaster calls me to ask what time I'd like dinner. We have concert tickets for a show that will prob start around 9:30. He makes 8:45 reservations at a new "green" restaurant in town. He agrees to pick me up at my best friend's house, which coincidentally is the same apartment complex he used to live in. 
• He calls at 8:30 to ask me where he's picking me up again...ummm are you stupid? I told you THREE TIMES and you USED TO EFFING LIVE THERE.
• He picks me up. Gets out of the car to open my door. I smell booze. No wait, I smell A LOT of booze. I ask, "are you drunk?" he says "I've been at two parties since noon"....this is a joke. Someone pull out the "candid camera" cameras and tell me Ashton Kutcher is in the bushes and I'm being Punk'd. NOW. Ok...no cameras, they must be waiting for me to be even more riled up. 
• We get to dinner and by this point I'm livid. LIVID. Our table isn't ready. We sit at the bar. I tell him to drink water. Srsly. He says "damn, you're sassy, I like that", Uhhhh NO idiot, you're hammered and I'm not going to be seen with a lush at dinner. ON A FIRST DATE.
• Did I mention the fact that his older brother used to live with my older brother? I start using this to my advantage. I say things like "if you make any wrong moves, my brother will kill you." He starts turning pale. 
• He orders fish, I order steak. And champagne.(Might as well). His fish comes. He says "I didn't order this". I say "Um. Yes you did, I heard you order it." He take a bite. He says "it's dry, I'm sending it back." I'm MORTIFIED. The waiter brings him a steak. He takes 2 bites, and leaves it. Did I mention I'm MORTIFIED?! Candid Camera, WHERE ARE YOU!!?
• We go to the concert. late. RILLLY late. We see 4 songs. I'm PISSED OFF. I'm being downright mean, he still thinks "You're so sassy". We get in the car. My girlfriend calls to see if I'm ok, I say HELL to the NO, and tell her to come get me before this dude crashes into a lightpole. 
• I tell him to take me to my car. He says "where is your car?" I say, "are you fucking kidding me!?" He says "No." I say "You know what, drop me off at the CORNER of the highway. There's a Wendy's." I text my friend and tell her to meet me at WENDY'S. Are you hearing this? WENDY'S. Ashton Kutcher has STILL not shown up. 
• He is driving 10 mph through intersections. I'm SCREECHING at him. Then I start laughing. Hysterically. Because I have a nervous laugh, but this has escalated to a nervous CACKLE. I was reaching decibels only dogs could hear. 
• He pulls into a random street. I'm positive I have reached my end and I'm going to die. I say "um where the hell are you going?" He says "This is where I live". I say "are you fucking serious!?! TAKE ME TO WENDY'S...NOW...OR MY BROTHER WILL LIT-RILLY KILL YOU."
• He drives to Wendy's. I FLY out of the car, say "thanks for dinner, lose my number". And I look around ONE MORE TIME to make sure Ashton isn't lurking in the drive-thru. I jump into my girlfirend's car, and VENT. And then I vented some more. Then I shattered the screen of my brand new Droid.  Then he texted to say "I'll make it up to you"....did I answer? HELL NO. I'd rather go on a date with a hungry rabid grizzly bear than see him again. 
• CAN I GET A WITNESS!??!

In other news....WHO DAT!?

I FOUND THE REMEDY AND IT'S BETTER THAN CRACK!

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Double You Tea Eff Wednesday and Silver Linings

Here we are, another hump-day. I swear, if the weather in this town doesn't take a turn towards sunny-ville soon, I'm going to go totally cray-cray and become a hermit and never leave Merlot, Chardonnay, or my pajamas. I've now crossed the line from pale to total translucence, and soon my real identity (vamp) will be exposed. And then I'd have to change the blog to "Life in a Coffin" or "Life at the Blood Bank" and that'd be totes inconvenient. I feel so gross when I'm pale, and that is NOT a good thing. at.all. Sarah will make fun of me for going to "Darque Tan" (pronounced dar-kwa) so I have to wait for the real thing. So now for featured Double Ewe Tea Effs:

uhh...no. Pale is fug. At least for me. PLUS it exposes my vamp-ness, and I don't need the Volturi barking up my tree right now. srsly.

• Houston has officially become Forks, WA, and I am beginning to forget what the sun feels like. WTF weather?
• Technically speaking, I am a "senior" in my Master's Program since it's my last.semester.ever. So, logically, I am suffering from an EXTREME case of "senioritis"...it's only the 3rd week of the term. WTF senioritis coming so early?? (That's what she said...sorry couldn't help myself. Shout out to Carissa and Stacy who both KNOW that TWSS will never.get.old.EVAH.)
• My hair has grown like a million inches in the last few months and my hair usually grows at a snaaaaail's pace. The only person who I trust to cut my hair works in Nashville (Renee at "The Loft" I love you, NO ONE cuts my hair like you do...) If any of you readers live in Houston and know of someone who won't leave me looking like I had a date with a weed-eater, holla atcha girl. WTF lack of skillful, hairdressers in Houston and WTF to those who charge 5 bajillion dollars to cut hair?!

A week ago, I took my new phone into Verizon because I was having trouble figuring it out. The dude who helped me was helpful, but then, today, in the middle of class, I received an email from him where he goes "hey, what's up, how's the new phone treating you :) If you need more help, you know I'll help you out..." Well, see, problem is, I actually meant to go in because I'm still having an issue, and now I'm weirded out that he e-mailed me and included an emoticon...Emoticons weird me out. So now I'm going to have to go to ANOTHER location to ask my questions. Am I weird? Can I Get A Witness?

Random Observation: Sometimes, when you want something, you can't wait for it to jump in your lap. Sometimes, you have to break some rules and just go for it. And sometimes, when you do this, it will make you cry, but sometimes it will make you smile. And when you take a chance and it makes you smile, there is no better feeling. I've had some black clouds over my head the past few weeks, but I finally bit the bullet and got a smile out of it. And even though I don't know how things will REALLY end, one smile is better than another day on my shit-tractor. I may fall on my ass in the long run, but I can't look back and regret not trying.

Chanson Du Jour:

"Resistance"- Muse

"Are You F*cking Kidding Me" - Kate Miller-Heidke (Carrissa, do your effing homework and look this song up)

"Dimestore Diamond" - Gossip

"Cosmic Love" - Florence and the Machine

"Company I Keep"- White Rabbits

"Home"- Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

"So Insane"- Discovery


OK so I had to add this: On my way to work this morning, walking through campus in the FREEZING COLD WIND (me.no.likey) I'm fairly certain (like 99.998989999999 % sure) that I saw Russell Brand AND Bubba Sparxx walking amongst the commonfolk. I couldn't fish my camera out of my bag because my claw/hand was frozen to my tea mug. Can I Get A Witness?

I HATE When I Get Kidnapped....Such An Inconvenience

Yes, I was kidnapped this weekend, and I'm back. Before you get all "ohmygoshareyouok!?" on me, let me be the first to tell you, this isn't the first time I've been 'napped. 

So, basically, these evil creatures called "whore-moans" come to earth, steal me, and replace me with a different version of myself. Basically, the "fake" me, is super emo, gets misty eyed when she drops her pen, listens to whiny music, eats chocolate like it's the last edible thing on earth, and is very "woe is me". So basically, my weekend consisted of my "fake" self schlepping around in my pink leopard pajamas, watching movies, drinking wine, eating Nestle "Flipz" and missing my "real" self who was taken up to space with those assholes called "whore-moans". PLUS it was a full moon, and that just made shit worse.  For instance, I met a friend for lunch, and I was wearing black yoga pants, a black wool turtleneck, my wayfarers, and a baseball hat. He asked me if I was in espionage school, or if I was trying to channel a celebrity in hiding. If you know me at all, you will know that if you ever see me in a baseball hat, I'm either 1. going to be outdoors all day 2. have been abducted my "whore-moans" and the thought of brushing my hair makes me want to stick needles in my eyes. 

basically.

So, now that I'm back, I'm very happy to return to "normal" me instead of "fake and emo" me. Because nobody likes a whiner. However, the weather in Houston has been so shistey that the only way I could stop myself from turning around dead in my tracks this morning in the freezing rain was by chanting "FML, FML FML, FML, FML, FML" on the walk to work this morning. It took my mind off the fact that I couldn't feel my frozen claws fingers gripping my umbrella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay and frozen toes. 

Sooo, get excited guys, because in the next few hours, I will be losing my guest-post v-card! My friend Neil will be posting about the fact that he won the first place award at a Jersey Shore themed party this weekend. Neil is a total gangsta and I'll give you the word on him as soon as he finishes his post....ahem. Neil, that's your cue to hurry the eff up. Deadlines...deadlines my friend. 

So, this morning, during my "FML" chanting walk to work, someone asked if I was a Vampire... Wait, stop, rewind. Let me break it down for you. 

Human: "What are you a vampire or something"

Me/Vampire Me: "Uhh...why do you ask?"

Human: "Well, it's raining and grey, and you're wearing dark sunnies"

Me/Vampire Me: Evil Grin, very a la Cheshire Cat/Dwight Schrute when he grins like an evil goblin....I will never blow my cover....Edward WHO?

Last weekend, I was in a "mood" and was too hungover to be bar hopping. Plus my friend made me walk like 984573 miles down the street in rilllllllllly high heels. So, we went to this bar that was supposed to be "amazing". Um. Not so much. There were trolls every.where. So as we walk in, I loudly observe "What the hell is this, a Lord of the Rings audition!?".....Can I Get A Witness?

Chanson Du Jour:

Band of Skulls- Fires

Sia- Satellite Heart

The Middle East- Lonely and Fool's Gold

White Rabbits- Company I Keep

Delphic- This Momentary

Pee Ess: I'm about to go snatch this broad's phone from the office if she doesn't turn down the damn ringtone...for srs. Maybe the bodysnatchers are back for round two of 'napping me...damn. Just when I thought I was back in action. 

I'm Just Going To Admit That I'm Openly JEALOUS...and I Love Muzak.

Hey Kids,

So last night I was feelin' groovy, had a good workout, made din, watched the State of the Union (aka read W mag and looked up and yelled at the TV like I knew what I was talking about every so often....there may have been some fist pumping or birdie flipping involved...I don't speak politics. ahem). THEN, I was catching up on some blog reading (shout out to CARISSA who MADE me stay awake to piss myself laughing at her post...yea I'm talkin' to YOU), sippin' on my chamomile tea, when my blood stopped cold in my veins. My girl crush is in lurve. Remember HER!? Well, apparently she's all up in this Johannes Huebl's grill. And yes, I'm jealous. He's hawt, and they're hawt together. Jealous. Here's the YouTube of them being all cute. I'm happy for them. She needs to be in lurve to remove the stick she has up her arse. Love you Liv. Love your boyfriend too....(yes, that was passive aggressive...a bit)

so freakin' adorable.sigh.

In other noticias. (Putting that Master's in Spanish Lit to use! Noticias=news) I'm crafting my Coachella post. I have a free flight on Southwest, and I have a place to stay...so all I need is my ticket. Does anyone know if they sell out fast? All I know is that I will be like a thirteen year old at a JoBros concert if I get to go. You have NO idea. NONE.

In more musical news. You NEED to hear this song. It's amazing. Like holyholyguacamole amazing. I've put the music vid below, so you lazies don't even have to leave my page. You're WELCOME. Tell me that song doesn't kick some serious bootay. "Whatever You Like" by Anya Marina....this may be another musical girl crush. 

K so some of you guys asked about my pup, since I mentioned her yesterday in my post when she was playing Jedi mind tricks on me to go back to bed despite my uber nosh-ness. There is a pic of her HERE in a previous post, and for you lazies who don't want to click, I will post some below! She is an imperial Shih-Tzu and her name is Sushi. She also goes by: Nug, Nugget, Nugtron, Nugtrola, Nugtronimous, Nuggets, Chunky Nugget, Chunky Monkey, Chunky Chicken, Chunkers, Pumpkin, Lover Bear, Bear, Punky Monkey....the list goes on..and yes she loves it, but I'm surprised she doesn't have an eating disorder since I'm basically calling her fat all the time...So here she is...the perfect pup.

I caught her snoozing in my faux fur throw...presh.

                                         Christmas pup. See those jedi mind trick eyes!?

I gave myself cat-woman glasses bc I have commitment issues and don't wanna show my face just yet. Weird. I know. Deal with it. Her ears were rilllllly long here.

My friends say she looks like a gremlin, or an ewok...and then I give them Jedi mind trick eyes and freeze their souls. Because she's way effing cuter than that. damnit.

Chanson Du Jour:

Anything by Anya Marina

The album "Lady Croissant" by Sia. Especially the tracks titled "Breathe Me" "Lentil" and "Blow it All Away"

"Ragoo" Kings of Leon

"Rockets" Sanders Bohlke

"Whatever it is" Zac Brown Band...this song makes my heart barf out puffy clouds and rainbows. puke I know..but it's pretty stinkin' cute. 

Now go to www.lala.com and do your homework!!!! Stay tuned for my Coachella post!

Today, on campus, I saw a pack of Jehovah's Witnesses walking in my direction, and I knew they were going to stop me and give me a Bible, and since I already have a small stash of these mini-Bibles....I kind of ran away....Can I Get A Witness?

Double You Tea Eff Wednesday

It's 2 am. I'm not asleep. I'm not happy about this. I had SUCH a productive day: got a mani, went to the bank, ran some errands, went to class, went to the gym, cooked din, showered, cleaned (cleaning=cleaning while having a personal dance party), and was SO pumped to be in bed by 10 because I have a long day tomorrow. 

I get in bed, pull on my night shades, no big...THEN....I started sweating...like awkwardly hot, rrrrrrrilly hot out of nowhere....THEN I got nosh. Like, not '"Oh this might be slight indigestion" nosh, but like, "where is the nearest receptacle so I can yak in it" nosh. (Nosh=nauseous). For those of you who don't know, I am PETRIFIED of yakking. Like, I will literally cry and hyperventilate. It's weird, but I cannot stand the mere thought of puke. I swear I thought I was preggers for a sec, then realized unless this was the Immaculate Conception, I had nothing to worry about. (TMI?....probs). So here goes Wednesday's post.

P.S. as we speak, my puppy is giving me the "bitch, go back to bed, your typing is keeping me awake" look, and she keeps putting her paw on my arm so as if to say, "I'M SERIOUS WITH THIS SHIT"....(I'm an animal whisperer...I'll tell you more later) and I'm giving her the "bitch (literally) don't you know I'd love to be asleep right now, but I've got a case of the rilllllly bad nosh and need to trick my brain into feeling better, so don't look at me with your cute furry face" look. And now for Double You Tea Eff Wednesday,  uber nosh style

• My body currently hates me and is trying to make me yak. WTF body?! 
• I went ahead and got the Droid, and I love it, but I secretly miss my blackberry and MIGHT switch back if I can't figure this phone out... WTF indecisiveness!?
• There is a certain situation that is bugging the eff out of me this week, and I can't fix it because it involves another person who isn't trying to fix it. WTF life?!
• My puppy is so freaking adorable I can't stand it....WTF that was random
• It REALLY needs to start getting hot out so I can lay by the pool, because I'm nearing translucence (Edward Cullen style) and I'm too broke to go to the tanning bed, slash I'm quitting the tanning bed. WTF winter?!

So, I've been cataloging and mentally recording "Can I Get A Witness" moments on campus, when I came across the MOTHERLOAD. I went to the gym. I mean it was ridic. It was like fishing with dynamite. For realz. I can't even write them all because it'd take too long and you'd skim this post, and then I'd have to hurt you, and because my nosh-ness is fading and turning into post-nosh tiredness...  I digress. THEREFORE, I commence:

• At the gym, there was a girl working out with her hair down, 'styled' ( I use the term loosely bc while SHE might've thought it was 'done' it looked more like a cat had used her head as a scratching post) and blue eyeshadow covering her ENTIRE eye lid, like this chick. Can I Get A Witness?

Srsly. It was this bad, but worse. 

• A girl at the gym was working out in a sports bra that was 9 sizes too small, and zebra print leggings. zebra print. leggings. Holy unflattering-ness. Can I Get A Witness?
• Another girl was wearing lemon yellow bootie shorts and a really tight white top. No big right? Ohhhh no, but the shorts were see-through, I could almost see her "hoo-ha", and she was doing these really creepy 'stretches' that looked like they belonged on stage at a place called "The Men's Club" and all the while, she's staring at herself in the mirror giving these seductive gazes....Can I Get A Witness?????

I think the worst of the nosh is over, though I'm still super weirded out as to WHY IN THE HELL it happened in the first place. Plus I'm pretty sure my puppy is going to kill me in my sleep if I don't stop typing soon (We blog in bed when we're at home...we=me+pup). 

Musique Du Jour:

GO LOOK AT THE 2010 COACHELLA LINE-UP AND GASP BECAUSE PRETTY MUCH ALL OF MY FAVORITE BANDS ARE PLAYING, and if you don't know any of them, IMMEDIATELY go to www.lala.com and START GETTING TO KNOW THEM. I will dedicate an entire post later on about Coachella because it's THAT amazing. Word. 

lovelovelove,

the super nosh chick who is getting stink eyed by her pup




Pee Ess:


I got my 5 year diary in the mail from Jaeve+Things, and I'm in lurve with it! Everyone needs one! Here's a pic of the journal, plus a little note I wrote to paste in the front...it's kinda cheesy, but I guess I was in a cheesy mood. Holla.