Dear Climate,

Dear Weather Patterns in Houston, TX, 

Was it something I said? Did you see too much of my skin last summer? Did I get too clingy? Did you not like my fierce new bandeau top for minimal tan lines? Was it the hours and hours I spent lying on a towel blaring music? Was it the handle of sweet tea vodka I shared with friends under you? Or are you being the typical "look I really like you, like a lot, but I just don't know if I can handle something so serious right now?" (Even though that's secretly how I am too...) I don't understand what you're doing. Quit playing games. You know I don't like playing games (unless they involve flip cup, beer pong, circle of death or one, two, three DRINK!) 

Me and Lilo are poolside BFF's and we NEED OUR SUNSHINE.

I'm going to be real with you. I CAN'T live without you any longer. My inner chihuahua is slowly dying and withering away, and my skin is now entering PHASE 2 of plant death (that's really really bad). Kiehl's ultra moisturizer isn't even cutting it anymore. I need some tan. I need that "glow". Because without you, I don't look the same. And then the Volturi will be on my ass and I just don't need that! Do you understand me? I'm SO OVER sparkly diamond pale skin!!!!

that is true, except I'm the captain of the super pale team...NOT OK. Whoever said "pale is in" is engaging in a BOLD FACED LIE.

I need you to pull me out of this "funk". I just found out I can't go to COACHELLA (inner sob) and the next two weeks are going to be pure, unadulterated HELL ON EARTH (no, not KELL on earth, because that would be AMAZING). If you don't give me that "glow" soon, I'll never get out of my animal print pj's....I'll never rock the cute side braid with my cute tan. I'll never wear a flowy maxi dress. I need you to help me get ready for JAZZFEST in NEW ORLEANS because I found out that I CAN go to that. So I guess God closed one door, and opened a big-ass window for me. But for the love of my epidermis and my mental stability, PLEASE GET HOT AND SUNNY so I can return to my normal half-chihuahua self. I'm on my knees here. (That's what she said.....)

I am a pale chihuahua, and I am shy because of my pale-ness. HELP!

Musique Du Jour:

The self-titled album by "The Magic Numbers"

"Your Smile" Josh Turner

The album "The Golden Archipelago" by Shearwater

"Madly" Tristan Pettyman

PEE ESS: The WORST DATE EVER text messaged me and asked me out AGAIN. Is this a JOKE? He said "I promise I'll behave." THIS IS A JOKE. ASHTON, I'M NOT KIDDING, JUST GET THE CAMERAS OUT NOW. I'M DONE BEING PUNK'D HERE. For srs. CAN I GET A WITNESS?!

Tuesday Trouble...

Once again, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning....with a scratchy throat. Seriously karma? What did I do to deserve this!?! Was it the people I flicked off in traffic last week (they DESERVED it) because I can't think of anything particularly evil that I've done in the past few weeks. For some reason, ALWAYS around this time of year, I get supremely stressed. I'm not typically a high stress creature, in fact, a little stress actually makes me work harder; however, the stress in my habitat at the current moment has reached astronomical heights. It may or may not have something to do with the fact that I have FORTY FIVE PAGES of final papers to write all in the next 2 weeks.....killmenow. 

So my Thanksgiving will be spent buried under scholarly journal articles, books, and MLA style manuals, trying to extract meaning from it all, and creatively filling page upon page with my brilliant thoughts. I'd rather be stuck in the middle of Siberia with a pack of rabid wolves. Yeah, it's that miz. 

SO in an effort to de-stress and vent a little, I will write a short letter:


Dear Foul, Disgusting, Crude, Crass, Repugnant, Neanderthal, Lesser Human, Unmannered, Filthy Man/Boy/Male Human who feels the need to hock loogies in PUBLIC, onto sidewalks where people are about to step, on the FLOOR INSIDE A BUILDING, in a pool, on the side of the pool, in OPEN TRASHCANS, or generally every which way you feel like PUBLICLY hocking a loogie just willy nilly, 


You disgust me. No, wait, you make me lose a little bit of faith in all of humanity. Tell me this, where you raised by wolves? Swine? Even monkeys might be able to rear children with more manners than you. I'm not asking you to master table etiquette here, I'm asking that you refrain from making that disgusting throaty noise, and then projecting vile PHLEGM into public areas. I do NOT want to witness this, nor do I want to come anywhere near making contact with your repugnant bacteria that you are spreading to those unfortunate enough to be sharing space with you. If you need to spit, please do so discreetly, and as soundlessly as possible. How would you feel if someone blew their nose with their hands and slung it directly into your path? That's basically what you're doing. The only way I could be somewhat at peace with loogie hocking is on a baseball field, (any athletic field will do...I guess) or while running, that's IT. Otherwise, you have GOT to quit doing that, it's utterly offensive, and makes me want to call your mother and tell her how vile and reprehensible your behavior is. And DON'T even get me started on people who don't know how to say please or thank you, I'll have to save that gem for another day, because it deserves its own space. 

The ONLY acceptable spitting/loogie hocking allowed is on the sports field. Period.

I feel much better now. I probably won't be blogging much this week, but who knows, I may need the distraction! Have an AMAZING Thanksgiving and travel safely!

lots of grumpy lovin, 

"Jules"




P.S. I just went to go get some Starbie's and this guy was walking in front of me, NBD (nobigdeal) and THEN he hocks a disturbingly large loogie onto the concrete bench that we were passing.....before I exploded with rage and disgust, his girlfriend smacked him. I would've preferred a full on face slap or kick in the nuts, but  you can't win 'em all! Then, the people at Starbie's were rude, told me they were out of Splenda, and after giving them my best evil glare, they "magically" remembered that they had a new box of Splenda in the back...hmph. 

A Letter/Request

Dear Human,

You're a nice person. I think one day we could be friends. But the fact that you feel the urge to play the song "She Wolf" by Shakira on REPLAY has made me rethink the aforementioned statements. Same thing goes for your cell phone. Turn it down. At least put it on vibrate, because being the jumpy person that I am; I almost fell out of my chair just now while deep in concentration because your cell phone is SO loud. And that ringtone...no words. I thought my Pandora station (www.pandora.com if you're not addicted yet) would drown out any distractions. I was sadly mistaken. Now please...please...stop playing "She Wolf" before I go insane.

Lots of love and friendly affection,

The one who literally almost lost it 5 minutes ago when you got a call on your cell.

P.S. It just started raining cats and dogs, and I've just realized I left my umbrella in the backseat of my car. I'm not excited about this. I can hear people outside shrieking because they're getting soaked. I might have found this comical had I not just realized I may have to be one of those people in a few hours. I'm wearing suede shoes...gosh I just love Mondays.