- Wears more hair gel than I have ever applied to my head, INCLUDING 4th grade dance recitals.
- Wears more rhinestones than a Judith Leiber clutch.
- Makes less money than I do and acts like he's BFF with P.Diddy and the Donald.
- Drinks shots of Patron and lots of Jager Bombs, probably only drinks "Michelob Ultra" too.
- WEARS ED HARDY. I don't think you understand how much I hate Ed Hardy. Monday, when I was watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, I almost jumped through the television and RIPPED OFF poor Jacqueline's little baby boy's outfit because she has him on the fast track to douchengoyle-dom, and NO I don't care that it's Jersey, it's just NOT OK. I HATE ED HARDY. WHAT'S THE POINT?
- Honestly. What is the point? It costs more than a nice, sensible, and very sexy simple Polo or Lacoste shirt, and HAS GLITTERY SHIT AND DAGGERS AND LIONS AND TIGERS AND ROSES ON IT. It's like Lisa Frank took acid and went apeshit and sold her designs to this Christian Audigier character. (No disrespect Lisa...you made my elementary school days SO much brighter, sparklier, unicornier, and ponier)
but then she took acid and made Ed Hardy his millions.
AND NOW, I HAVE BEEN MADE PAINFULLY AWARE THAT MR. AUDIGIER HIMSELF has released THESE. Read the full article HERE. This is some really REALLY BAD NOOZ.
EXCUSE ME, BUT I DO NOT WANT A MENTAL IMAGE OF DOUCHENGOYLES BONING DOUCHEN-GOYLE-ETTES, or SLORES as I like to refer to trashbag women. I swear, you should see some of the people here. It's like they live underground during the day in the sewers, and then at night, they crawl out all slimy and glittery and sparkly in their nasty sparkly gear. GROSS. AT LEAST THESE WILL PREVENT THEM FROM PROCREATING. Ugh.
Moving on. Wish my male beefer happy travels on his way to visit my beefiestbeefer, and hopefully they don't have to call me for advice on where to find one of these "Monsieur Bond" gems. Oy vey. LOVE YOU GUYS.